“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 21st entry.

EDGY

This is one of those words often used by people trying to defend something that they’re absolutely sure is brilliant, and that the rest of us have written off because…well, because it sucks. But, that can’t be right, can it? Usually, “we” don’t “get it” because we’re just clueless to these enlightened individual’s unappreciated genius. Damn us. Damn us all to hell.

We’ve got Edgy television shows and movies, aimed at shaking us out of our complacency (“Not your daddy’s ________!” etc.). Dear Hollywood: It’s not that many of us living outside your zip code don’t get your revolutionary remake (I’m sorry, “re-imagining”) of some movie or TV show that sucked when we were kids. When your remake efforts result in the original Dukes of Hazzard looking like a timeless multi-layered morality play that deserves to be shelved next to Bill Shakespeare’s best, there’s a fucking problem in your town.

Then there are those Edgy morning disc jockeys wanting to see how far they can push the broadcast envelope, doing shit like featuring a naked Twister tournament in their studio (Why the hell they think this is great when it’s a frikkin’ RADIO BROADCAST is beyond me). The rest of us don’t want to hear you drooling and beating off while we wait for the latest traffic report.

And let’s not forget the Edgy wannabe radicals on internet message boards, embarking on their mission to rattle our cages because they’re the self-proclaimed king of some subject. Be it politics, sports, movies, Star Trek canon, Star Wars ship capabilities, the backstories and alternate histories of every Muppet that’s ever existed, Flinstones porn, whatever, they’re the final word on their particular subject, damn it, and woe is you if you question their supremacy, mere mortal.

In pretty much all these instances, there’s a fine line between being edgy and just being an asshole. Guess what, assholes? That line’s behind you.

Programming Note: We’re heading to NYC tomorrow, and I don’t plan on taking a computer with me. My internet access will be sporadic at best (assuming I even bother), so my little parade of idiocy is going on hiatus for the next several days (cue Audience: “THANK FRIKKIN’ GOD!”). Feel free to talk amongst yourselves during this period.

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface
Feb 15 – x-factor
Feb 16 – extreme
Feb 17 – paradigm
Feb 18 – resource
Feb 19 – w00t
Feb 20 – Anna Nicole Smith

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“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 20th entry.

This one’s for you, psiqueue.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH

Listen, it’s tragic when a mother dies, particularly when she’s mother to an infant. Regardless of the circumstances, few things in life are more saddening than the idea of a child’s mother being taken before he or she is old enough to know this person.

But, for Christ’s sake…it’s Anna Nicole Smith we’re talking about here. This isn’t like Jim Fixx, folks. If she didn’t break the top 40 in your Celebrity Dead Pool then you need to be re-schooled on how that game is played.

And what exactly did she do to earn such notoriety? She was a fair-to-middlin’ stripper, posed for Playboy, modeled for some third-rate brand of jeans, married a thousand-year old multi-millionaire because true love enveloped her in its sweet embrace (No, really.), and committed the total absurdity of her everyday life to the cameras of a reality show. This is the sort of shit that gets you non-stop coverage in today’s 24/7 media world. Well, that, or ditching a rehab clinic and shaving your head, or getting out of cars and flashing your crotch at the paparazzi.

But, somewhere in the middle of the train wreck that was her life, Anna had a kid. Now that she’s dead, one, two, four, eighteen, five hundred guys (I’ve lost count) are stepping up and claiming to be the father. Would that deadbeat dads the world over might follow the sterling example set forth by these fine gentlemen, who doubtless have nothing but the best interests of the baby at heart.

Shit.

I almost got through all of that with a straight face.

As psiqueue already stated so well, what’s needed for the kid is for a nice, normal parent or parents to be given custody – somebody wholly unconnected with the horseshit low-rent celebrity enjoyed by her mother and sought by her would-be beneficiaries. Give this kid at least something resembling a chance at a normal life, away from the idiocy that saw her brought into this world in the first place.

As for Anna herself…enough’s enough. She’s dead. Let her rest with some shred of dignity still intact, and then let’s the rest of us move the hell on.

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface
Feb 15 – x-factor
Feb 16 – extreme
Feb 17 – paradigm
Feb 18 – resource
Feb 19 – w00t

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 19th entry.

W00T

What the hell is this word, anyway?

It sounds like something a redneck might shriek the first time he’s pegged by an alien rectal probe. You know, before he starts to get into it, but not really…just in case this ever comes out under hypnosis, right?

Cripes.

Now, if it’d been confined to online correspondence, I could deal with it. I use my share of netSpeak….LOL, LMAO, LSHIPMP, LSHIBABVANITOTFWFTA*, and so on, so I’m in no position to judge others on this. However, when you’re using such terminology in actual verbal conversation, well then you’ve crossed a line, Neo. You’ve blurred the barrier between the world of the computer and the world of humans, threatening to unleash entropy across what should have and always remained separate, distinct realities, lest you bring about total annihiliation of this and all other possible universes. Son of a bitch!

Okay, so maybe it’s not that bad. It’s still lame.

So, unless you just enjoy coming across like a dyslexic owl when you’re talking, please, for the sake of universal harmony, find another way to express your joy. If not for the security of reality itself, at least find it in your heart to… :: checks latest edition of Fearmongering Rolodex :: …think of the children? Yeah, that’s it!

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface
Feb 15 – x-factor
Feb 16 – extreme
Feb 17 – paradigm
Feb 18 – resource

*Key:

  • LOL = Laughing Out Loud
  • LMAO = Laughing My Ass Off
  • LSHIPMP = Lauging So Hard I Pissed My Pants
  • LSHIBABVANITOTFWFTA = Laughing So Hard I Busted A Blood Vessel And Now I’m Twitching On The Floor Waiting For The Ambulance

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 18th entry.

Aw, hell. I’ve just got too many Corporate-Speak words left now.

RESOURCE

Every time I hear this one, I cringe. While this entire list has been pretty much one big joke, this is one word I truly despise hearing in the workplace, simply because — in my opinion, at least — of what it conveys.

In the business world, I’m a resource. I used to be called an employee, but even that simple, efficient term still pulsed with far too much life for common, everyday use. In a corporate climate that stresses the bottom line over everything else, where the flesh and blood people responsible for improving that bottom line are considered more expendable than the chairs they occupy during the business day, referring to said people by a bloodless, soulless term which buries all hints of humanity is, admittedly, a cruel yet ingenious tactic. After all, thinking of someone as a thing rather than a person makes it easier to overlook recognizing them for a job well done or rewarding them for extended exceptional efforts, or just to dispose of them when you’ve experienced a “paradigm shift” and no longer view them as useful.

Simply put, it’s an evil word, and leaders who use this word in reference to their people are perpetuating the problem. If this bullshit had been stopped when the first limp-dick “manager” employed the term, we wouldn’t have need for other equally dumbass terminology, like “people care” as its own special set of responsibilities denoting what leaders should already have been doing as part of their basic job description in the first damned place.

Ahem.

Anyway…to the list it goes.

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface
Feb 15 – x-factor
Feb 16 – extreme
Feb 17 – paradigm

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 17th entry.

We’re changing the way we do things around here. That’s right, it’s time for a new approach. It’s time to alter our…

PARADIGM

We have psiqueue to thank for this.

I honestly have no frikkin’ idea how this word found its way into the corporate lexicon. Don’t get me wrong: It’s a damn fine word, but as usually happens in the business world, some Pezhead with a desire to reinvent the wheel without being exposed for the idiot he really was decided to cloak his intentions in a maze of doubletalk and empty theories, using twenty-dollar words in order to circumvent even the chorus of smarter people who might normally ask what the fuck this guy was babbling about.

You’ve heard it before: “We need a paradigm shift.” What the hell does that mean, exactly? In the business world, this usually means that the status quo is not proving to be profitable, and something must be done to get the boat righted, the train back on the tracks, the car back in the fast lane, or any other dumbass analogy you’d care to make that essentially translates to somebody needing a knot jerked in their ass because their bullshit is costing the company money.

In scientific circles, a paradigm shift is an outright radical change of direction or alteration of a core set of tightly-held beliefs. Something has come along that challenges all prior assertions and requires a full-on review of assumptions and theories which have ruled the day to this point. For example, an alien spacecraft pulling into orbit around our planet, with the head alien broadcasting a message to the entire world that Earth is really nothing more than a piece of his giant alien pet’s shit that he failed to clean up, and so we’re all about to be picked up and flushed down some immense celestial crapper…well, that might just cause a bunch of us to change our outlook on a few things.

In the business world, a paradigm shift is really nothing more than somebody — usually a stressed-out middle manager — scrambling for a new and improved way to cover his ass because his little game of “Let’s see how long I can draw a salary and not do a fucking thing” is about to be exposed. So, in a desperation move and employing a string of high-sounding, multi-syllabic mumbo-jumbo that would make Aaron Sorkin choke on his thesaurus, said stressed manager somehow convinces everyone around him that they’re actually the ones fucking everything up, and it’s time to start with a new approach and obtain some fresh perspective.

A little smoke, a couple of mirrors, a few PowerPoint presentations, and voila! By the time the new policy, strategy, or methodology is implemented, all but the densest individuals realize that they’re just doing the same shit they always did. Their jobs don’t change, only now they do it with a fresh layer of oversight and bureaucracy, making things more complicated and time-consuming, all of which justifies giving someone else a useless, non-revenue producing job instead of firing them out of a cannon and into the street as should have been done six years earlier.

I got yer paradigm shift…right here.

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface
Feb 15 – x-factor
Feb 16 – extreme

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 16th entry.

Buckle up, kids! We’re pullin’ out all the stops! We’re gettin’ crazy! It’s Def-Con 1! Things are about to get…

EXTREME

That’s right, another once-interesting adjective beaten and bloodied into comatose submission by over-eager “visionaries” who felt the need to slap the word on everything you can think of and way too many things you’d never consider.

It’s like this: Things used to be cool. Then they were hip, groovy, and/or sexy for varied periods of time, making pit stops along the way in the realms of gnarly, awesome, bitchin’, rad, and excellent before traversing to the very edge and limit of style.

That’s right, now they’re frikkin’ EXTREME!

These days, you can have your house subjected to an Extreme Makeover. If you want to move into the fast lane of developing software, you can adapt to the “Extreme Programming” methodology. Even Pac-Man went and got extreme. You can get extreme lubricant, for your rifle or your gun…if you know what I mean. We have Extreme Fitness and Extreme Sports, along with extreme sports drinks so you can replace those extremely vital body fluids, or you can just sit on the couch and watch other idiots doing that crazy shit on the Extreme Sports Channel while you eat Extreme Pizza or extreme yogurt or even “X-treme” Jello.

As an aside, special personalized hot pokers in Hell are reserved for those who use “X-treme” or “Xtreme.” Just sayin’.

I’m feelin’ extremely nauseous after all that. Somebody hand me that bottle of Pepto Extreme!

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface
Feb 15 – x-factor

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 15th entry.

Celebrating words which are used to denote the exact opposite of their intended meanings, today’s candidate for banishment is: 

X-FACTOR

You hear this is a lot in sports, politics, entertainment, etc. What’s an "X-Factor?" Well, generally speaking, it’s an unknown, undefinable quality or ingredient that often ends up being the missing component needed to win or complete something, elevate something past its peers, whatever. You don’t know what it is, where it will appear, or what it will do when it does finally show up, but whatever it is and whenever it gets here, watch out, cuz shit’s about to get interesting. If you’re the lucky recipient, then go you! If not, well, then, it’s probably your ass.

Simply put, the whole idea of calling something an X-Factor is because you just don’t know what the hell else to call it.

Naturally, people misuse the word as a means of identifying…you know…shit they already know about.

A kick-off returner who can run it back for the touchdown, a free safety reading the quarterback and intercepting his pass, the holder bobbling the snap and foiling the kicker’s go-ahead field goal or extra point…these are X-Factors, because they’re the kind of uncommon yet hoped-for turns of events that can change the outcome of a ball game.

Shaquille O’Neal being able to dunk the basketball fifty times during a game and take control of the damned scoreboard is not an X-Factor. You can practically write that into the game plan and let him go (well, you used to be able to do that, anyway). Shaquille O’Neal being able to hit twenty free throws? Yeah, that could make the difference in a game, eh? There’s your frikkin’ X-Factor. Meanwhile, the other team’s coach is always planning the strategy that puts O’Neal on the line fifty times a game, knowing Shaq might hit seven or eight…maybe…if the earth tilts just the right way at the right time and the ball can roll around the rim a few times before falling in.

As for politics, this one’s easy. It’s no big mystery that politicians will screw you. The X-Factor is trying to figure out which one will be thoughtful enough to supply their own lube.

Movie people talk about the X-Factor which will decide if their new film is a hit or a flop. When the movie makes that sickly sound as it smashes face-first into the pavement, those same peeps will bend over backwards to find that mysterious component in time to avoid stating what the rest of us already knew when we saw the first promos: The flick sucked donkey balls. The only X-Factor in these cases is whatever weed was being smoked that contributed to the project being greenlit in the first place, and why anyone thought Uwe Boll directing it meant cash in the bank. I want that dealer’s phone number, and I want it now.

The only X-Factor I’m worried about at the moment is the one keeping me awake when I have to be at work in six hours. Toss it on the list.

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster
Feb 14 – interface

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 14th entry.

Today’s word comes to us courtesy of farmishtphoenix:

INTERFACE

Another entry from Corporate-Speak? So soon? Hey, consider yourself lucky. I’ve actually got enough to fill out the whole month.

Anyway, “interface.”

Yet another of those dumbass words used to add a bit of sex and flair to boring, everyday happenings in the office. You’re “interfacing” with your client, hoping to leverage the business and maximize synergy or whatever the hell it is you’re doing. If you have to actually explain to anyone who asks what any of that shit means, then what we have here–as the prison captain once said in Cool Hand Luke–is a failure to communicate. Ironic, given the supposed need for clear, concise dialogue in today’s rapidfire business environment.

(Side Note: “Dialogue” is also a stupid word, if you’re using it as a verb.)

Yeah, I know, “interfacing” with a client sounds so much cooler than just “meeting” with them, doesn’t it? Depending on how hot the client looks in her tailored business suit, this might actually sound like fun, especially if you decide to go for it and run the risk of getting caught on the conference table. Well, it could have, back in the days before women had the audacity to call would-be Lotharios on their asshole-ish attempts at picking up chicks in the office. See? A few unskilled bastards ruin it for the rest of us.

Wait. Was that last part out loud?

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting
Feb 13 – webmaster

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 13th entry.

For the all the overly-pretentious gits out there who thrive on titles–earned or otherwise–this one’s going out to you. 

WEBMASTER

Now, don’t misunderstand me, the idea behind what this word should represent is one I can support. If you’re an ace web programming guru who can singlehandedly create, implement, and maintain an attractive website with loads of interesting content and do it with the sort of real-time, short turnaround frequency that today’s online world seems to require, then you’re deserving of some kind of cool handle. You need a moniker that sets you apart from the rest of the wannabees littering the Internet with their crudely-composed homepages filled with useless information about themselves, and the kind of self-absorbed blathering that makes you want to ram steak knives through your retinas.

You know, sites like mine.

Then again, I don’t consider myself a "webmaster." I’m a dude with rudimentary web skills who succeeds more often than not in not forcing his service provider to its knees whenever I upload my latest stupid website update. Just because you have a site doesn’t make you a webmaster. In fact, if some of the results I’ve come across during various Google searches is any indication, as webmasters go, some people make pretty good jizz moppers. One brief recon of MySpace or Xanga should be enough to convince you of that…assuming you don’t drop to the floor in the grips of an epileptic seizure brought on by some of the ridiculous color/font/graphic/all-of-the-above choices made by some of these people.

Besides, for those of you who actually walk the walk, I’m thinking you don’t want any part of any designation which can be found in any book title that ends "…for Dummies." You want something with a little bite to it…I don’t know, maybe something like "Binary Badass."

Yeah, that’s the ticket.
 

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge
Feb 12 – pre-meeting

“Words I Hate and Will Outlaw When I Rule the Universe” Month, Feb 12th entry.

Corporate-Speak, you sassy bitch, you never fail me.

PRE-MEETING

This is another of those asinine “nouns” that have taken root in the halls of Corporate America. Let’s just cut to the chase: You’re in a meeting, or you’re not. It’s a binary condition, like being pregnant, circumcised, or a fan of Firefly.

What is a “pre-meeting” supposed to be? Well, from my personal experience, it’s a gathering of two or more individuals who seemingly can’t get enough of the regular meetings that litter the average workday, most of which aren’t worth the time it takes to schedule them in your online calendar. These people, who by all accounts spend so much time in meetings that they rarely if ever accomplish any actual work, soon find themselves in a position of having to report that sad truth to someone higher up in the food chain who may be in attendance at some future meeting.

So, these Pezheads get together and have their own separate meeting, apparently to get their stories straight. When witnessed firsthand, it truly is a wonder to behold. I can only imagine that we’ll eventually be having meetings to prepare for these pre-meetings, because the number of attendees to pre-meetings will grow so large that people won’t want to appear ignorant or unproductive in front of such a large audience.

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing already goes on in government.

Previous Entries:
Feb 1 – canon
Feb 2 – pwn
Feb 3 – synergize
Feb 4 – body spray
Feb 5 – teh
Feb 6 – K-Fed
Feb 7 – empowerment
Feb 8 – texting
Feb 9 – pr0n
Feb 10 – automated customer service
Feb 11 – troop surge