Jade Helm is over. VICTORY!

That’s right, patriots! After a long, arduous campaign, the forces of tyranny are in retreat. We have successfully defended our homeland from those who would seek to oppress us. Outstanding job, warriors. This will be a day long remembered. Official reports are beginning to filter in from the front lines. For example, we have The Washington Post:

Remember Jade Helm 15, the controversial military exercise? It’s over.


Though the war may be over, the rebuilding is just beginning. We have much work to do in order to restore our pristine lands to their former glory, erasing the scars and pain of the battles fought here. At last report, requests for federal aid were still being considered.


Meanwhile, savor your victory, and hey! Check it out: Overstock sales on ammo and beef jerky. Everybody wins!


Jade Helm sitrep: D-Day.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you likely know that today, July 15th, was the first day of the “controversial” military training exercise Jade Helm 15. Now, depending on whom you ask, this is either the latest in a long string of such exercises that the military has performed over years and years, or a plot by the Obama Administration to launch a federal takeover of certain “enemy states,” such as Texas.

For those of you who lack a basic understanding of United States history and politics, Texas has been a member of our union since well before Obama became president, and for more than a century before he was even born, but let’s not let facts and logic start to pull at the threads of this particular tapestry, all right?

Anyway, if you’ve clicked on the handy link I provided up above, you’re now familiar with what Jade Helm is supposed to be (or what its disinformation campaign wants you to think it’s supposed to be, etc.). Today was the first day of fun for the folks in uniform participating in the exercise, and of course attention from all over was focused on it to see if Obama’s nefarious plot would unfold before our very eyes.

Continue reading “Jade Helm sitrep: D-Day.”

R-NY seeks SWF. WTF?

You know, there are some people who, quite simply, are too stupid to be allowed outside their home without a leash.

Unfortunately, it appears that…sometimes…we elect such people to public office.

Adding yet more weight to the prevailing theory that many males just do not have enough blood to power both their brain AND their dick, we have this latest example of an elected official doing something he really ought not to be doing. At least, he shouldn’t be doing it where other people might be able to see, point, and mock.

The Huffington Post: Rep. Chris Lee Resigns After Craigslist Photos Come to Light

We’ll set aside for the moment that this is yet another trooper who’s broken ranks and gone rogue from the “Family Values(tm)” brigade. We’ll forego commenting on how he doesn’t believe gays and lesbians should marry, as that would certainly taint the sacred institution of holy matrimony such as what he undoubtedly shares with his wife. We won’t even delve too deeply into the fact that he’s doing all of this while at the same time coming down on the “Bigoted Asshole and 3rd Degree Douchebag” side of issues like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and abortion rights.

No. Instead, let’s talk about what utter moron this guy seems to be.

To borrow one of my favorite epithets from Spartacus: Blood and Sand, how in the name of Jupiter’s Cock is a UNITED STATES CONGRESSMAN, at this point in the 21st century, so ignorant about how computers and the internet work? Particularly when he’s going to have something like this posted to his own page on the House of Representatives website:

Congressman Chris Lee – Tonawanda News: Teen Internet safety must be a priority
(Thanks to bill_leisner for the link.)

Oh, but no. This guy, he goes prowling for a girlfriend on the internet, using his real name, an e-Mail address that features his real name and which can be tracked back to him, and then posts a photo of himself to his prospective booty call. Does he expect that the lady on the other end won’t at least do the preliminary “Google His Ass” move before agreeing to meet with him?

Tell me that didn’t have “trainwreck” stamped all over it. I mean, the jokes are beating the shit out of each other in order to be the first ones to write themselves.


Dear Stupid Parents: DO YOUR JOB.

As a parent, reading about something like this offends me:

NPR: Consumer Group Sues McDonald’s Over Happy Meal Toys

It sickens me how some people can so easily abdicate their responsibilities as parents, guardians, and teachers of the human beings they’ve consented to bring into this world. For example:

The group filed the class action suit on behalf of parents, including the plaintiff, who says she’s fed up with the pestering.

“Happy meals are among the those things frequently requested, and the first thing they ask me to do is open the toy,” [the plaintiff] said in a press conference today. “I’m really concerned about the health of my children, and I don’t think its OK to entice children to get Happy Meals with a toy,” she added.

Oh, would you please just fuck right off.

41 years old, and unable to tell her kid to shut his piehole because he’s not getting the meal he wants and the stupid toy he wants? It’s called parenting, you useless twat. You make the choices, you make a stand, you deal with the fallout, and you turn around and do it all over again whenever the next “crisis” erupts.

Do we really need lawyers to get involved with what should be a no-brainer bit of decision-making on the part of Mommy and/or Daddy? I’m quite capable of determining when and if I’ll take my kids to such an establishment, and whether or not they’ll get such a meal with its little toy. They don’t pester me about crap they see on TV…possibly because they don’t spend all their waking hours planted in front of the television while my wife and I are off doing other things besides carrying out our primary responsibilities as parents.

Another favorite bit:

The lawsuit asserts that under California’s consumer protection laws, McDonald’s toy advertising is deceptive. It targets children under 8 years old who don’t have the ability to understand advertising.

Deceptive? Happy Meals have been around for more than thirty years, and I know this because I was eating them in 1979 (the first Happy Meal promotion was tied into Star Trek: The Motion Picture, for those wondering). So, that’s one hell of a shitty stealth marketing campaign. Now, here’s the thing: I didn’t always get them when I asked for them. Why? Because my parents told me “No.” Do you know the word “No,” oh-stressed-out mom? I’ll bet your husband hears it all the time.

You know what’s changed since Happy Meals showed up to conquer the universe? Many of the kids who weren’t disciplined when they fucked up, who weren’t forced to do their homework before they could spend hours watching TV or playing video games, who weren’t grounded when they mouthed off or defied their parents in a public setting like a mall or restaurant, who weren’t required to do chores around the house in order to help out Mom or Dad…a lot of those little darlings are parents now, and they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. They’ve completely screwed the pooch so far as their offspring are concerned, and they’re looking for someone to blame so that the heat’s off them for the very public and lasting failures they’ll soon be sending out into the world for the rest of us to deal with. So, they blame the Clown, and the siren’s call that comes blaring through the speaker every time they pull up to the drive-thru window in their SUV, mini-van, armored personnel carrier, or whatever.

Another bit:

For its part, McDonald’s has added healthier items to its menu in recent years, like apple slices, low-fat milk. But french fries still go into Happy Meals more than 90 percent of the time, Jacobson notes.

Yeah? And whose fault is that? Did the clerk push the fries into the bag while holding a Glock to the mom’s head?

I’ll make a confession: We take the kids to McDonald’s or Burger King every so often (once, maybe twice a month, as a treat). When we do get those meals, the kids get the milk and the apple slices to go with their little hamburger. Before all the would-be saviors come out of the woodwork and accuse me of abusing my children with such thoughtless conduct, I’ll also point out that my kids take regular gymnastics, ballet, and taekwondo classes. Addy’s teacher is jealous that Addy has better lats than she does. If anybody needs to worry about any weight gain issues at the Golden Arches, it’s me.

So, idiots like the ones who sign onto lawsuits like this need to nut up and do their jobs. That includes taking charge over what your demonspawn puts into his or her face. Oh, and feel free to kick them away from the TV and out into the yard to mow the lawn or wash the car once in a while, too. Stop being weak, and stop making it harder for those of us who take seriously our role as parents. You’re making us look bad.

Welcome to the Big House, Lindsay!

That’s right, today’s the day that Lindsay Lohan heads to jail to serve her 90-day sentence. In predictable fashion, the cable news networks are eating themselves in a bid to get juicy pictures and news footage of the troubled young actor as she’s remanded into custody and prepared for transport to jail.

I’m reminded of the media circus which surrounded Paris Hilton when that drama queen that crybaby she showed up to begin what ultimately was a shortened stay in jail. To be fair, things seem a bit more restrained this time around, but that doesn’t stop me from shamelessly digging up an older blog entry on the Paris Circle Jerk, dusting it off, and presenting it here for your re-reading enjoyment:

June 8, 2007: Mommy, make it stop.

BTW, I fed Lindsay’s name into the Prison Bitch Name Generator (NSFW), and it came back “Tush Taster.”

Insert joke here.

And not for nothing, but mine came back “George’s Bush,” which means I’m simply going to have to flee the country if ever I run afoul of the law.

Making good on the last blog entry.

In my last post, I said readers could look forward to various things being entered here in the coming days. Among the list I provided was this item:

“At least one link to a news article which greatly amuses me, makes me roll my eyes, or instills within me the desire to smack a politician in the nutsack with a pipe wrench.”

Well, I’m making good on that one already. Here you go:

Blog.Newsarama.com: Westboro Baptists Plan to Picket Comic-Con

Yep. You read that right. The line of the story is, of course, this morsel:

“They have turned comic book characters into ideals, and worship them they do!”

The jokes just write themselves, don’t they?

Of course, I could argue that the only such characters I so idolize are those females who choose to run around in skimpy costumes and fight crime – hopefully while taking time out every so often to engage in lewd activities with other females who choose to run around in skimpy costumes and fight crime. I extend that idolatry to those women here in the real world who do their level best to imitate said characters while attending gatherings such as the forthcoming Comic-con.

Oh, and I also dig Batman, because he’s awesome.

What would Jesus do if he ever came face to face with this bunch, and their ilk (who are not to be confused with good, decent people of faith)? I’d like to think it’d go something like this:

[Begin Dream Sequence]

Jesus: Come here.

Wackjob: Yes, Jesus?

Jesus: :: cock-slap :: Now, get out of my sight and send in the next asshole.

[End Dream Sequence]

And the Dumbass of the Day Award goes to….

….this moron.

AL.com: Jefferson County geometry teacher uses wrong example to teach angles — assassination of President Barack Obama


You know, I can at least understand normal, everyday idiots on the street coming up with something like this. That’s why they’re idiots. However, if my kids are required by state law to spend several hours each day in the presence of people charged with instilling knowledge into their skulls, then I frankly expect better than the likes of this douche bag. You want to be a racist asshole and a fluffer for the wingnuts, that’s your right, but do it on your own fucking time and not at the taxpayer’s expense.

How this cockpimple still has a job is beyond me.

State of the Union: A pre-game note.

Dear Dumbasses (You know who you are. If not, get someone to give you their notes),

I realize that during the past eight years, you’ve grown accustomed to a president who – when he’s not torturing the English language like a cat being fed through a wood chipper – preferred to utilize…shall we say…simpler words and turns of phrase, most if not all of which were easily understood by even the most wayward second grade drop-out.

Tonight, it’s entirely possible that our current president will, during the course of delivering the State of the Union address, employ words and phrasing of a greater sophistication and, dare I say it, complexity than that which was the norm during the previous administration.

Worry not, my fellow Americans, for I have a bit of free advice that is certain to be of assistance to you: Thanks to the brave and noble efforts and/or support of a few of your brothers and sisters in dumbassery, a whole stack of dictionaries has recently become available in southern California. If you hurry, you can run out there, grab a copy, and be back in front of your televisions before your arch nemesis takes the podium. If nothing else, taking a moment here and there to look up a few of the bigger words might assist you toward actually understanding the issues and topics you have been instructed by talk radio dickbags to oppose.

You’re welcome.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

With all the dangers faced by our troops in forward areas, the Pentagon has of course spent a great deal of time on one of the more important issues affecting our men and women in uniform. Thank God for the bureaucrats in the rear.

CNN.com: Pentagon: Troops won’t lose their war-zone smokes

That’s right, boys and girls: At the end of a long day at the war, your bosses have – from the safety and security of their air-conditioned offices back in the World – graciously afforded you the continued option to light up a coffin nail if that’s your particular kink. Why this even had to last longer than the SecDef asking, “What the fuck are you smoking?” to the people who with straight faces brought him the report, I’ll never know.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a smoker (okay…I enjoy the occasional cigar) and I’d be happier if friends and family members of mine who smoke dropped the habit. That said, I’m all for allowing those who choose to smoke the freedom to do so, provided I don’t have to inhale it. I can even get behind the military phasing out smoking altogether on their bases, or even disallowing its members to smoke at all. There’s a proper way to do that, with smoking-cessation programs, etc. The Marine Corps had programs like that even back when I was still in.

But telling troops deployed to the combat zones to quit cold turkey? That’s almost as dumb as telling them they can’t look at a skin mag, or have the odd beer that might come their way. Can you just imagine the reaction of troops in the field? “What? I can’t smoke? What the fuck are they going to do? Shave my head and send me to Leavenworth?”

Of course, the Washington Weenie Brigade has, after careful study, determined that smoking poses health problems. Thank you for that bit of insight, folks. You know what else is bad for your health? Bullets, grenades, mines, and dickbags running into market squares wearing vests loaded with dynamite and nails. I figure if a grunt can get past all of that and make it back to his rack at the end of the day, he (or she) should be able to fire up a smoke to help wash away the taste of piss-warm canteen water and the combat ration or shitty overpriced meal served by Haliburton.

Nice to see the Pentagon’s got their finger on the pulse of the real issues facing our military these days.

The morning news, as presented to me.

  1. The Bruno/Eminem thing from the MTV Music Awards was set-up. No kidding, really? The microphone battery pack Eminmem was wearing was so totally not a give-away. Look, guys, if you want to teabag each other, exchange phone numbers, or hook up via Craigslist. No big deal, okay?
  2. Octo-Mom has a few words for Kate Gosselin, and on this, at least, I can agree: “Shut the fuck up.” Yes, it’s a true bitch raising all those kids, what with the money from the TV show and the endorsement money and fourteen nannies lurking just off camera. I feel your pain, sistah.
  3. Oh, and President Obama is supposedly giving a speech….uh…somewhere.

And I can already hear the Fox News talking heads going apeshit over #3.