Jade Helm is over. VICTORY!

That’s right, patriots! After a long, arduous campaign, the forces of tyranny are in retreat. We have successfully defended our homeland from those who would seek to oppress us. Outstanding job, warriors. This will be a day long remembered. Official reports are beginning to filter in from the front lines. For example, we have The Washington Post:

Remember Jade Helm 15, the controversial military exercise? It’s over.

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Though the war may be over, the rebuilding is just beginning. We have much work to do in order to restore our pristine lands to their former glory, erasing the scars and pain of the battles fought here. At last report, requests for federal aid were still being considered.

jadehelm10

Meanwhile, savor your victory, and hey! Check it out: Overstock sales on ammo and beef jerky. Everybody wins!

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Jade Helm sitrep: D-Day.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you likely know that today, July 15th, was the first day of the “controversial” military training exercise Jade Helm 15. Now, depending on whom you ask, this is either the latest in a long string of such exercises that the military has performed over years and years, or a plot by the Obama Administration to launch a federal takeover of certain “enemy states,” such as Texas.

For those of you who lack a basic understanding of United States history and politics, Texas has been a member of our union since well before Obama became president, and for more than a century before he was even born, but let’s not let facts and logic start to pull at the threads of this particular tapestry, all right?

Anyway, if you’ve clicked on the handy link I provided up above, you’re now familiar with what Jade Helm is supposed to be (or what its disinformation campaign wants you to think it’s supposed to be, etc.). Today was the first day of fun for the folks in uniform participating in the exercise, and of course attention from all over was focused on it to see if Obama’s nefarious plot would unfold before our very eyes.

Continue reading “Jade Helm sitrep: D-Day.”

It’s the War on Christmas, Charlie Brown!

After a long cease-fire, hostilities once more are heating up, with reports coming in from checkout lanes and talking heads stationed all along the front lines. “Remember the 25th!” and all that jazz.

Yep, the “War on Christmas” is back. It never really went away. It was just in remission.

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From my observation post here on the periphery of the conflict, I see the first battles of every new campaign unfold each year with clockwork precision on The Day After Thanksgiving. Code named “Black Friday,” it usually is the first wave of any renewed assault, though I’ve been receiving reports detailing the increasing numbers of early reconnaissance patrols and other probing actions. However, after initial contact with the enemy, legions of soldiers now are descending upon unsuspecting civilian marketplaces in order to seize territory and secure supply routes.

During more recent engagements, pre-emptive strikes have been launched in the hours before B-Day to devastating effect, simultaneously securing footholds on numerous mercantile beachheads. What do these brave souls face upon taking the fight to the enemy? The harshest invective ever to assail human ears, rivaling even the worst oratory ever offered by Tokyo Rose, Hanoi Hannah or Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, and embodied by such offending salutations as “Happy Holidays!” or even the dreaded “Seasons Greetings.”

This bit of rambling was brought about after reading an article a Facebook friend linked a few weeks ago. Would you like to know more?

NYMag.com: The Sarah Palin War On Christmas Soundboard

Yeah, that’s entertainment.

Don’t believe the lies posted by the godless heathens! The fight must continue, or all will be lost! See your local recruiter and find out how you, too, can serve the war effort.

Or, you know, not.

Add some zing to the remaining debates!

Back in January, at the height of the auto-fellatio tour that was the seemingly endless series of GOP debates, I pondered some ideas on how to make the proceedings a bit more interesting for Joe and Jane Viewer.

After the debacle that was the first debate between President Obama and Governor Romney, I decided to review that list and freshen it a bit, for possible use going forward with tonight’s vice presidential debate, and perhaps even the two remaining presidential debates.

So, with that in mind, here’s my revised list. Some of the earlier suggestions remain, but I’ve replaced others:

Moderators
Drew Carey should be the moderator. Why? Because if the last debate was any indication, everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. He can even play “Scenes from A Hat” where he reads randomly-drawn scenarios from a hat for the candidates to act out. Example: “What to say when you meet the mother of a soldier killed in a war none of you fucks can justify.” Also, I’m retaining part of my earlier suggestion, and jettisoning all talking head commentary and spin from the various networks, in favor of a single simulcast hosted by Gary Cole and Jason Bateman, in character as Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. “Effin’ A, Cotton. Effin’ A!”

Trans-anal Ultrasounds and Junk-ograms
Given all the attention abortion and women’s health issues are receiving this election cycle, I think it’s important that both candidates be exposed to just some of the indignities and discomfort women must endure just in the course of receiving proper care. Given the obvious hurdles presented by biology, we’ll have to improvise, of course, but I suspect we can make do.

The Pussycat Dolls
They should dance as the debate pauses every four or five questions, and also at the two-minute warnings.

The Judges from The Voice
Seated in their big swivel chairs and facing away from the candidates at the start of the debate, they can press their little buttons and turn to face the stage when they hear something they like, and the chair’s base will light up to read “I WANT TO VOTE FOR YOU!”

Leroy Jethro Gibbs
The celebrated NCIS agent should be allowed to smack a candidate on the back of his head whenever something untrue is said in response to a debate question.

As a corollary:

Joe Rogan
Whenever a candidate responds to a question with an answer having nothing at all to do with the original query, the Fear Factor host will come to the stage and direct the candidate to eat as much cooked moose penis as he can in thirty seconds.

Corporate Sponsorship
Both candidates should wear jumpsuits with patches bearing the logos of all their big money donors, corporations and wealthy individuals alike. Care should be taken in patch placement to avoid any unintentional mash-up faux pas. Example: placing “Goldman Sachs” and “Koch” next to each other might convey the wrong visual message, at least at first glance.

Triumph, the Insult Dog
Because…why the hell not?

Lightning Round
The final two minutes of the debate will have the moderators ask a series of questions to be answered by all of the candidates in rapid-fire fashion. To facilitate efficient responses and keep things moving, each candidate will be seated in a replica of Captain Christopher Pike’s chair from the Star Trek episode “The Menagerie,” whereby their only responses to a question are one beep for “Yes” and two beeps for “No.”

“You liked the junk-ogram, didn’t you?”

(Note, the Joe Rogan rule would be suspended during this round.)

So, there’s some ideas to get the brainstorming started. Anybody else?

2012 Presidential Debate #1. (or, “Whuhbuhduhwhuhbuhduh hah?”)

Well, that was interesting.

For those who didn’t watch it, you can read a transcript by clicking on this linky-type thing right here.

The highlights:

  • Romney was the same arrogant, entitled jack-ass accustomed to getting his way and the last word that we expected.
  • Obama came off like the bored college professor a lot of folks worried he’d be, and he fell into the classic “Incumbent First Debate Trap” of not showing up with his A-game.
  • Moderator Jim Lehrer, in a coma for the first 45-50 minutes, was finally resuscitated in time to remind people to check under their seats for their personal belongings before proceeding to the gift shop and the exits.

Simply put, Romney was the louder and more confident of the two. After weeks–nay, months–fellating the extreme right wing and his big-money corporate puppetmasters, his unmitigated gall at re-branding himself as something resembling a centrist seemed to have the desired effect. It caught the president so completely off-guard that I’m sure at one point, he was expecting Romney to pull off a latex mask and reveal himself to be Ashton Kutcher.

It seems pretty clear that the president will win the “fact-checking battle” for this first outing, but as the GOP is on record as not caring about such things, it’s hard to gauge at this point what effect that might have. Meanwhile, from watching both men on stage, it was clear that Romney had Obama’s number early, even though the president was able to rally a bit toward the end.

Nothing I say really matters. Pro-Romney folks will say he won. Pro-Obama folks will say he won. Anybody who was already solidly in either man’s camp at the start of the evening isn’t going anywhere, and I doubt either guy won over too many undecideds, which is what I was guessing would be the result before the thing even started.

So, with that in mind, I decided to be a smart ass and live-Tweet the debate. Here’s a recap of my blatherings:


Things you won’t hear at the #Debate: “NOT COOL, COOKIE.”

Things you won’t hear at the #Debate: “Nice tan.”

Things you won’t hear at the #Debate: “Less filling!” “Tastes great!”

I’m thinking Obama wins the Immunity Challenge tonight. #Debate

Jim Lehrer just warned the audience: “KEEP YOUR SUCKS SHUT, OR WE’RE SENDING YOU TO GITMO.” #Debate

“If both survive the lirpa, the next question will be fielded with the ahn-woon!” #Debate

What happened to the opening musical number? I used to love those. #Debate

I just realized what this #Debate is missing: Statler and Waldorf.

Lehrer to Romney: “THIS IS SPARTA!” #Debate

Where the hell are the #ReplacementRefs when we need them? #Debate

ROGERS/STARK 2012: AVENGE AMERICA #Debate

I hope the rumors are true, and there’s a Victoria’s Secret fashion show at halftime. #Debate

Overheard at Romney debate prep: “Trust me. Lie your ass off and reverse everything you’ve ever said. He’ll be speechless.” #Debate

I just realized what this #Debate is missing: A fucking moderator.

Overheard through Lehrer’s hot mic: “I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this shit.” #Debate

Overheard through Lehrer’s hot mic: “Hey, wait! I thought the #Debate was supposed to start at 9pm CENTRAL time!”

Lehrer to Romney and Obama: “TOUCHDOWN CELTICS!” #Debate

We’re just about ready for the lightning round, right? #Debate

We were promised oil wrestling. #Debate

I wish the judges would just move on to the next contestants. #Debate

Lehrer: “You guys keep talking about taxes and healthcare and other stuff, and I’m just over here making some pancakes!” #Debate

I think Jim Lehrer is channeling Clint Eastwood’s chair. #Debate

Jim Lehrer is to #Debate moderation as MTV is to music, or Carrot Top is to comedy.

Obama’s post-game press conference is gonna be six kinds of awkward. That call to go for the 2-point conversion was just stupid. #Debate


And there you go.

The next debate will focus on foreign policy, which should provide its own brand of comedy.

2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game!

Drinkers, this will be your first stage of consumption in the 2012 Presidential Debate Series, consisting of an as-yet undetermined number of questions as can be asked and answered in a time limit of ninety minutes.

Drinkers, at this time, advance to the consumption point and assume a good tight sitting position.

With a six pack and one glass, load and lock.

Ready on the Right? Ready on the Left? All ready on the drinking line.

Drinkers, you may commence imbibing once your candidate appears.

Candidates!

* Disclaimer: Drink responsibly. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. Or, vote Republican.

Spicing up the GOP debates.

So, another day, another debate between the ever-dwindling number of Republican presidential hopefuls. If you’re thinking, “Geez, wasn’t there one of these just the other day,” well, you’d be right. It’s the second debate this week. It’s the second one in 48 hours, in fact. That’s right; the GOP candidates debate more often than astronauts are allowed to poop while in space.*

Other than the fact that the tribe sees fit to vote out one castaway every so often, with only the occasional “What the hell? Did he really just say that?” moment to keep things interesting, the debates–all five billion of them to date–have long since become a heapin’ helpin’ of same ol’, same ol’. Yes, one of these pasty white corporate shills is going to be the next Republican candidate for president; for now, all we can wonder is how long they’ll continue to hate-fuck each other on live television for our amusement.

With that in mind, I put forth the following suggestions to help liven up the next grand old party stage show. RNC? Feel free to use any or all of these ideas as you see fit:

Moderators
All future debates should be moderated by Gary Cole and Jason Bateman, in character as Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. “Effin’ A, Cotton. Effin’ A!”

TSA
All candidates should experience a full spectrum of “enhanced pat downs” prior to the start of each debate, conducted by Richard Simmons, Rosie O’Donnell and Danny Trejo. Machete don’t wand, bitches.

The Pussycat Dolls
They should dance as the debate pauses every four or five questions, and also at the two-minute warnings.

Joe Rogan
Whenever a candidate responds to a question with an answer having nothing at all to do with the original query, the Fear Factor host will come to the stage and direct the candidate to eat as much cooked moose penis as he can in sixty seconds.

Atmosphere
That weird-ass combination of rumbling music and sound effects from Who Wants to Be A Millionaire should play in the background whenever a candidate is answering a question. When they’ve finished responding, the candidate is then required to say, “And that’s my final answer.”

(NOTE: In a crunch, the “Final Jeopardy” theme is an acceptable substitute. Better yet, “Yakety Sax.” Look it up, if you have to.)

Thunderdome
Whenever a question pits two candidates directly against one another, they should be allowed to conduct their debate/rebuttal sidebar with their choice of weapons. Extra points may be awarded for the use of chain saws, flamethrowers, or ninja throwing stars.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs
The celebrated NCIS agent should be allowed to smack a candidate on the back of his head whenever something untrue is said in response to a debate question.

Triumph, the Insult Dog
Because…why the hell not?

Lightning Round
The final two minutes of the debate will have the moderators ask a series of questions to be answered by all of the candidates in rapid-fire fashion. To facilitate efficient responses and keep things moving, each candidate will be seated in a replica of Captain Christopher Pike’s chair from the Star Trek episode “The Menagerie,” whereby their only responses to a question are one beep for “Yes” and two beeps for “No.”

“Are you still in the closet, Senator Santorum?”

Well, those are my initial thoughts. Anybody have any other suggestions?


* From The Complete Guide to Health and Nutrition – “Ask the director of our government’s space program how they make certain that astronauts will have bowel movements no more often than once every fifty hours. This trick is accomplished by deliberately restricting our astronauts to the kind of diet most Americans follow every day—one that is low in fiber and thus constipation producing. It isn’t healthy, but  it is a quick way of producing constipation if toilet accommodations are poor.”

Without Wikipedia, we’re left to our own devices.

As many/most of you know by now, a number of high-profile sites around the web “went dark” today, taking part in a fairly large-scale protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and Protect IP Act (PIPA), two pieces of landmark legislation currently being considered by the United States Congress. Despite their seemingly honorable-sounding names, SOPA and PIPA are, to put it politely, “ill-advised.” To put it bluntly, they’re fuck-stupid, carrying with them the potential to cause vast harm to innocent parties while doing little to nothing to address the actual problems of copyright infringement and intellectual property theft.

One of the more prominent sites to participate in the blackout was Wikipedia. You can read the explanation behind their decision here: Wikimedia Foundation – English Wikipedia anti-SOPA blackout.

Along with Wikipedia, other big-time and not-so big-time sites across the web either went dark or at least posted some form of protest on their sites. Included among the “major players” was Reddit. WordPress.org and, of all things, ICanHazCheezburger.com. What? No LOLcats? Oh, HELL no. THIS CANNOT STAND, bitches.

Anyway, the notable lack of access to Wikipedia brought with it an unending stream of jokes at the site’s expense (these, in addition to the heat it already takes–fairly or not–so far as its reliability as an information source). Naturally, I got in on the act starting yesterday, when I stated on Twitter, “For 24 hours Wikipedia will be offline, defying the efforts of students the world over to cherry pick shit for their essays and term papers.” And just to rile up certain folks, I also said, “BREAKING: http://FoxNews.com to run nothing but actual, factual news tomorrow in protest of #SOPA.”

Yes, I know. I’m a smart-ass. Have we met?

Now, today, in an (English-speaking) world without Wikipedia and other sites, Twitter was the place to watch the “blackout” unfold in real time. One of the better Twitter trending topics was “#FactsWithoutWikipedia,” in which Tweeters took a page from the Fox News playbook and just made shit up. For example:

@jimgeraghty The Keystone XL Pipeline would ensure U.S. access to a steady supply of beer. #factswithoutwikipedia

@dvnix Sarah Palin successfully defended South Carolina from marauding Northerners in 1857. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

@tinastullracing Before Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity in the 17th century, everything had to be nailed down. #FactsWithoutWikipedia Quote UNK

Naturally, I couldn’t resist tossing in some my own. Here’s my list of contributions:

  • Bigfoot is a cyborg created by aliens to protect them & their secret underground complex in the California mountains. #factswithoutwikipedia

  • Aliens embedded secret msgs into porn tapes, which were never heard since everyone fast-forwarded through the tapes. #factswithoutwikipedia

  • LOLcats once ruled the earth. Contamination from exposure to humanity eroded their once superior intellects. #factswithoutwikipedia

  • Apollo 18 was a cover story invented to deflect attention from Apollo 19. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

  • Soylent Green is people. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

  • Playboy has printed the exact same “articles” in every issue of their magazine since Day 1. #factswithoutwikipedia

  • Those really were the droids they were looking for. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

  • Gandalf is an homage to Obi-Wan Kenobi. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

  • The only way to become a comic book writer is to be bitten by another comic book writer. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

And forget my pithy blatherings. There was some truly funny shit posted today. The Huffington Post even has/had a running list of the best entries.

Of course, Wikipedia will be back tomorrow, and the world will be a more factual, accurate place, right?


Setting aside all of the funny, the issues surrounding SOPA and PIPA and the potential they carry for rampant abuse are not joking matters. If you’ve not already done so, contact your congressional representatives and let them know you oppose this legislation and that they should, too. The blackout protests and other online discussions and actions seem to be having an effect, in that politicians and businesses who once supported the legislation are now backing away from it. Get educated on the bills, spread the word, and join the fight!

For more information:
Stop American Censorship

Electronic Frontier Foundation: How PIPA and SOPA Violate White House Principles Supporting Free Speech and Innovation

John Scalzi’s Whatever: On SOPA/PIPA (For the People Who Aren’t Blacked Out)

R-NY seeks SWF. WTF?

You know, there are some people who, quite simply, are too stupid to be allowed outside their home without a leash.

Unfortunately, it appears that…sometimes…we elect such people to public office.

Adding yet more weight to the prevailing theory that many males just do not have enough blood to power both their brain AND their dick, we have this latest example of an elected official doing something he really ought not to be doing. At least, he shouldn’t be doing it where other people might be able to see, point, and mock.

The Huffington Post: Rep. Chris Lee Resigns After Craigslist Photos Come to Light

We’ll set aside for the moment that this is yet another trooper who’s broken ranks and gone rogue from the “Family Values(tm)” brigade. We’ll forego commenting on how he doesn’t believe gays and lesbians should marry, as that would certainly taint the sacred institution of holy matrimony such as what he undoubtedly shares with his wife. We won’t even delve too deeply into the fact that he’s doing all of this while at the same time coming down on the “Bigoted Asshole and 3rd Degree Douchebag” side of issues like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and abortion rights.

No. Instead, let’s talk about what utter moron this guy seems to be.

To borrow one of my favorite epithets from Spartacus: Blood and Sand, how in the name of Jupiter’s Cock is a UNITED STATES CONGRESSMAN, at this point in the 21st century, so ignorant about how computers and the internet work? Particularly when he’s going to have something like this posted to his own page on the House of Representatives website:

Congressman Chris Lee – Tonawanda News: Teen Internet safety must be a priority
(Thanks to bill_leisner for the link.)

Oh, but no. This guy, he goes prowling for a girlfriend on the internet, using his real name, an e-Mail address that features his real name and which can be tracked back to him, and then posts a photo of himself to his prospective booty call. Does he expect that the lady on the other end won’t at least do the preliminary “Google His Ass” move before agreeing to meet with him?

Tell me that didn’t have “trainwreck” stamped all over it. I mean, the jokes are beating the shit out of each other in order to be the first ones to write themselves.

Ouch.