The funniest damned thing I’ve seen today.

I know this has been around for a while, and I’ve seen it before, but only a smallish version of the pic as sent by a friend in e-Mail. While on the hunt for something entirely unrelated, I came across a nice, wall-paper sized version. I can’t help but chuckle every time I look at it. Spock and McCoy alone are enough to get me going.

Behold, yo:


(Click to enlarge the hell out of this.)

—–

Warp and roll band, everybody’s beamin’

Gettin’ crazy, the whole crew’s screamin’

Love, and music. Play, play, play!

—–

:: Ahem. ::

I don’t know who’s responsible for this bit o’ genius, but I hope we can track him or her down, because I want a poster-sized version of this thing for my office.

Enjoy.

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It doesn’t happen every day….

….but when it does, it’s usually memorable.

I’m reading an e-Mail I received. To boil it down, the e-Mailer is a fan of the Star Trek stories I (and Kevin and I) have written. Of course, he has his own ideas for a Star Trek book, and he’d like to have me (and Kevin, if Bubba is so inclined) collaborate with him on it, after which, said enthusiastic writer will be able to achieve his goal of getting a Star Trek story published. Of course, the arrangement would be that we would work to help get him “in the door” and assist with the actual writing of the book (he has lots of ideas, but can’t or won’t — I didn’t bother to seek clarification — do the actual writing because that’s not how he “sees himself”). Once the deal is all done and he’s paid by the publisher, he’ll cut a check for our contributions to the effort…a percentage we’ll negotiate if I decide to accept the offer.

Now, a lot of Trek fans have similar goals, desires, and dreams. Addressing this as the person approached is a fine line to walk. I don’t deliberately set out to hurt someone’s feelings or dash their hopes, but I try — as professionally and truthfully as I’m able — to explain to folks the realities of the publishing world as I understand them, and particularly the obstacles one must negotiate in order to land *any* publishing contract for a media tie-in work, much less a Star Trek gig. Most of the time, my advice is taken with the spirit in which it’s intended, I wish the hopeful fan/aspiring writer the best of luck, and we move on.

Then, there’s that small percentage of twits, whose lack of people skills are in direct opposition to their over-developed sense of entitlement, who have to be dicks about it.

I knew I was traversing a minefield when I responded to the original e-Mail, and I naturally received a terse reply in return, after which said fan declared he would never again read or purchase anything I write.

Well, you go, boy.

Anyway, this exchange reminded me of a thread on TrekBBS some months back where someone posed a similar question about hiring a writer to pen a Trek book for him. That individual did so in a much more polite fashion, and I think he was just asking in general terms, rather than having a story idea waiting to be written. That thread prompted me to craft a response which I now resurrect here because…well, I’m a two or three-trick pony and I excel at amusing myself.

So, if you’re ever wondering if you can hire a writer to help you with your Star Trek novel, I have this to say:

—–

I am the very model of a Star Trek novel writer dude
You never know what twists and turns my newest story might include
I spend my days and evenings working in a state of solitude
Wondering if the plots I hatch will just completely come unglued

(He wonders if the plots he hatches will completely come unglued!)

You give me all your money and a story I will weave for you
It will conform to canon and just maybe fill a gap or two
With all your favorite characters and nasty foes for you to boo
If the check you write is bogus then you know I’m coming after you

(You write a bogus check and he will beat the crap right out of you!)

—–

Yes, it’s a slow news day.

Fandom, redux.

April seems to be my month for pulling stuff out of the archives.

So, I took another spin through the message boards this morning, and what do I find? The same whining about how Trek has lost its way, only the stuff "I like" is any good, the new movie will suck and will forever bury the franchise, and how folks are done with Trek and chucking it all…until their next message board posting, of course.

Man, folks are bitter, aren’t they? Maybe this is what Obama was really talking about the other day.

Anyway, after reading yet again about how Trek resembles nothing folks remember from their childhood and how it’s ruined — ruined, I tell you — it seemed like a good time to resurrect this little ditty: 

Blame Modern Trek!

I Wanna Walk!

In honor of Addy’s 8-month “birthday” today: 

 

I wanna walk! (Walk)
I wanna walk! (Walk)
I want to walk (Walk)
I wanna walk! (Walk)

Set me down, you say,
Down on the floor to play sucks and I gotta say “No!”
No!
No, No, No, No, No!
Tell me “Sit and play”
Well, all I got to say to you when you do that every day is “No!”
No!
No, No, No, No, No!
When it’s like this I feel my legs startin’ to move
And there’s somethin’ else that I would rather do

I wanna walk! (Walk)
I wanna walk! (Walk)
I want to walk (Walk)
I wanna walk! (Walk)

There’s this feelin’ like
I got somewhere to go and don’t know how to get there yet
I wanna go!
Go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Hey you, pull me up
I’ve waited long enough and I’m tired of sittin’ on my ass
Let’s Go!
Go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
When it’s like this I reach up and grab ahold of that couch
And stand up so I can pull myself to you

I wanna walk! (Walk)
I wanna walk! (Walk)
I want to walk (Walk)
I wanna walk! (Walk) 

When Trek Fans Attack.

God, this kind of thing never fails to crack me up.

From TrekMovie.com, just in time for Christmas!

It’s not the article itself, mind you, but the comments which come after. I’ve read it all before on various message boards, of course, but I still laugh when I read “fresh” takes on the old arguments.

And with that in mind, I offer a rehash of my own…. 

“Blame Modern Trek!”
(sung to the tune of “Blame Canada”)

 

Times have changed the fans

The Internet just makes it worse

No one’s happy anymore

They’re angry and just plain terse

People long for days of reruns on their black and white TVs

And a return to the 23rd century

 

(YES!)

 

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!

It seems that everything went wrong

After Voyager came along

Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

 

(Kirk and Spock are under assault, and it’s really all Rick Berman’s fault!)

 

We need to boycott CBS

For updating the original with CGI effects

My son once looked to Captain Kirk whenever times got hard

Now he worships that pansy Jean-Luc Picard!

 

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!

With their away teams and their counselors

And stupid Bussard collectors

Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

(It’s not even Roddenberry’s stuff, anyway.)

 

They changed the colors of the shirts

and switched the stripes to little pips

Archer turned out to be a pantywaist

And then they went and killed Trip!

 

(NOT. DEAD!)

 

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!

With vertical warp cores

And anorexic Vulcan whores

Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

 

This new movie we must stop

An abomination to be sure

Kirk and Spock at the Academy?

I think I just might hurl!

 

We must picket and protest and flood Petition Online

I just wish this was Nineteen Sixty-Nine!

 

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!

With Berman and his Marble, was it big or was it blue?

And his demonspawn Brannon Braga, too

Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

 

(Only Gene Coon could do it justice, after all.)

  

— With sincere apologies to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

I wonder if they’ll let us sing this at Shore Leave next year….

Blame Modern Trek!

Now that I’ve opted to remove myself from the boards, I’m more free to talk about…well, stuff that used to make me laugh on the boards.

One of my favorite “debates” to observe was the constant “Us vs. Them” approach that some Trek fans seem to love. “Original Trek vs Anything Other than Original Trek” is one that furnished no end of amusement, particularly now with all the talk of the new movie coming in 2008 — which may or may not be a reboot of the original series, or some form of continuation or prequel with new actors playing those iconic roles — as well as the recent aneurysms being suffered by the self-appointed “Old Guard” as the original episodes are subjected to digital remastering and new CGI effects upgrades to make them more “palatable” for high-definition TV. 

Now, anybody who knows me (or just looks at my Trek writing resume) knows that while I consider myself a fan of the entire Trek “universe,” I’m a die-hard fan of the original series. It’s the one I grew up with and it’s still my favorite, even though I like the other shows to varying degrees. That said, I’m pretty easy-going and open-minded when it comes to thoughts of reboots, prequels, etc. If Trek’s to have any chance at fighting for the attention of a larger, more mainstream audience, it’ll eventually need some kind of fresh take on the material, though I hope it’s one that still has at its heart what arguably sets Trek apart from its SF brothers and sisters. I don’t believe the notion of a reboot or prequel is inherently bad – it’s the execution that counts. 

Forget trying to have this kind of civilized conversation in some online venues, however. The Trek Literature board on TrekBBS was normally immune to this sort of thing, but every once in a while some thread would touch on the topic. The general tone of such discussion almost invariably came down to “I don’t like anything that’s not Roddenberry approved. All of that sucks.” Didn’t matter how the “question” or “discussion” was couched, the true colors almost always came out if you waited long enough. Some of those topics had me laughing hard enough to check my chair for a wet spot.

During the most recent version of that debate a couple of months ago, I was all ready to add fuel to the fire when the moderators stepped in and requested peace. I heeded that request, but it left me with the post I’d been dying to add. I shared it with a few folks off-line, but here for the first time, I post it for the world to see (okay, 30 or 40 of you). 

So, with sincere apologies to Trey Parker and Matt Stone, this one’s going out to all the old-school Trekkies who feel their childhoods have been raped by modern TV and film producers as well as the glut of merchandising and other assorted sucking at the Trek teat all these years:

BLAME MODERN TREK

(sung to the tune of “Blame Canada”)

Times have changed the fans
The Internet just makes it worse
No one’s happy anymore
They’re angry and just plain terse
People long for days of reruns on their black and white TVs
And a return to the 23rd century

(YES!)

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!
It seems that everything went wrong
After Voyager came along
Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

(Kirk and Spock are under assault, and it’s really all Rick Berman’s fault!)

We need to boycott CBS
For updating the original with CGI effects
My son once looked to Captain Kirk whenever times got hard
Now he worships that pansy Jean-Luc Picard!

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!
With their away teams and their counselors
And stupid Bussard collectors
Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

(It’s not even Roddenberry’s stuff, anyway.)

They changed the colors of the shirts
and switched the stripes to little pips
Archer turned out to be a pantywaist
And then they went and killed Trip!

(NOT. DEAD!)

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!
With vertical warp cores
And anorexic Vulcan whores
Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

This new movie we must stop
An abomination to be sure
Kirk and Spock at the Academy?
I think I just might hurl!

We must picket and protest and flood Petition Online
I just wish this was Nineteen Sixty-Nine!

Blame Modern Trek! Blame Modern Trek!
With Berman and his Marble, was it big or was it blue?
And his demonspawn Brannon Braga, too
Blame Modern Trek, Blame Modern Trek!

(Only Gene Coon could do it justice, after all.)