Here’s a fabulous writing gig…

…if you’re a fucking idiot, that is.

So, as I’m occasionally wont to do, I decided to check out the Craigslist ads to see if anything interesting was to be found in the “Writing Gigs” section. Why? Because it was either this or punch myself in the balls, and I’m still hoping I might get to use my balls at some point in the near future.

Anyway, I’m checking out the listings, when I happen across this bit of epic what-the-fuckery:


Looking for an Assistant Writer

Hello, I am a very serious and active writer. I am looking for an assistant writer to help come up with ideas and write a manuscript with. I am not necessarily picky and we would not be meeting often. Ideally I would like to have it written with-in a three month time span. That is A LOT of work/time and you would have to be just as dedicated as me. You must have email, have a phone with texting, and have credentials. The manuscript in itself should be 200-250 pages at least. I’m not looking for someone who necessarily is in or went to college…I need a creative and fresh mind. I need someone who can review their own work before sending it over to me to look at so I don’t have make too many changes or edits. This would be for someone who enjoys writing and would like to co-write. I will not be paying you during the writing period, but I do plan to reach a few publishing houses and if WE get published obviously you would get paid. I also have a self-publishing piece I’m working on now, so that is another route. If interested please reply to this email with a few fresh ideas, some samples of your personal work, authors you admire, books you like, and a little about you. Most of our contact will be made through email.

Thanks Again!

compensation: To be discusses upon publishing


Holy. Shit.

Let’s unpack this gem, why don’t we.

mad-writer

Hello, I am a very serious and active writer.

Sure you are, sport.

I am looking for an assistant writer to help come up with ideas and write a manuscript with.

Translation: “I’m looking for a sucker to do all the heavy lifting while I hang out at the coffee shop and tell everybody I’m a very serious and active writer.”

I am not necessarily picky and we would not be meeting often. Ideally I would like to have it written with-in a three month time span.

“I have no fucking clue what it is you’ll be writing, because like I just said, I need your help to come up with ideas. And shit. Oh, and write that mother fucker, why don’t you.”

That is A LOT of work/time and you would have to be just as dedicated as me.

“Compared to what I’ll be doing, which if it’s not coffee than it’s probably jacking off to some third-rate sex webcam site or playing Call of Duty.”

You must have email, have a phone with texting, and have credentials.

“And here’s a ring for your nose and a collar and leash that matches the upholstery in my Dodge Dart.”

The manuscript in itself should be 200-250 pages at least.

“But whatever, since I have no fucking clue what you’ll be writing. See previous sentences.”

I’m not looking for someone who necessarily is in or went to college…I need a creative and fresh mind. I need someone who can review their own work before sending it over to me to look at so I don’t have make too many changes or edits. This would be for someone who enjoys writing and would like to co-write.

“I need a self-starter who’s smart but not too smart, or at least not smart enough to see that I’m fucking them in the ass without lube until I’m done and back on the Xbox.”

I will not be paying you during the writing period, but I do plan to reach a few publishing houses and if WE get published obviously you would get paid.

“Isn’t that damned generous as fuck? Why aren’t you writing, yet?”

I also have a self-publishing piece I’m working on now, so that is another route.

“I call it Fifty-One Shades of Blue. It’s Smurf erotica. With vampires. And gladiatorial games modeled after Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders. Oh, and they’ll fight for cheese.”

If interested please reply to this email with a few fresh ideas, some samples of your personal work, authors you admire, books you like, and a little about you. Most of our contact will be made through email.

“And hurry up. I’ve got a bet with my buds on the bowling team that I can get at least five suckers to reply to this ad before we play the guys from Ed’s Garage on Thursday.”


Who actually comes up with shit like this, and thinks it’s an awesome idea?

There are ads like this all over the place. The people who post them are festering boils in the ass crack of the writing and publishing world. This person at least just appears to be working for himself/herself, rather than representing some bullshit website, blog, homegrown magazine, or whatever other fucking thing they dreamed up. The only reason ads like this persist is because somebody out there will see this as the dream writing job.

I don’t give a damn if Stephen King or J.K. Rowling or a porn star looking for someone to write their memoir is posting the ad. Don’t take a “job” or a “gig” where the other party doesn’t intend to pay you for your work. Ignore those sorts of ads, and remember this simple mantra when it comes to freelancing, be it writing or anything else: “Fuck you. Pay me.”

the_more_you_know

Advertisements

Dear Craigslist Dumbasses….

What the hell is with people posting ads for “writing jobs” on Craigslist, and not bothering to provide the slightest clue as to what they might actually want from an applicant?

I mean, people specify left, right, or ambidextrous when soliciting hand jobs over there. Why can’t you get some helpful info if you’re a writer looking for a gig?

Pro Tip: When you post a vague ad asking for “an unbelievable writer who is creative, reliable, and can write with ‘personality’ and accuracy,” here’s some things to keep in mind:

First, when you ask for writing samples, it helps to state what sort of writing you’re wanting. Are you a fiction magazine? A novel publisher? Sports blog? Fortune cookies? Dirty limericks for truck stop restroom walls? A little info is helpful here. It doesn’t do a prospective applicant any good to send you a short story if you’re looking for horoscope writers, or whatever.

Next, when you ask someone to provide their hourly rate, again…it’s going to be based on the sort of writing we’re talking about, right? If it’s 150-word articles to help you build content for yet another bullshit sports or political blog or movie review site, an applicant’s rate will be different than if they’re ghost-writing your Greatest Fucking Zombie Vampire Hooker Novel Ever.

Also, when an applicant writes to you via the contact link, posing such questions as, “What kind of writing are you seeking?” in order to provide appropriate writing samples as well as a fair compensation rate, what you definitely shouldn’t do is respond within two minutes of the writer’s hitting “Send,” proving you didn’t actually read the e-Mail while instead repeating your request for the writer’s hourly rate.

And finally? $150 an hour.

(Can you tell this is an “opportunity” I’m likely not going to be pursuing?)

Craigslist ad humor.

Been a while since I posted anything about my infrequent venturing to my local Craigslist “writing jobs/writing gigs” sections. Why? Because there’s only so much funny to be mined from Examiner postings and ads for something called “BetterWritingJobs.com.”

But, every once in a while, something comes along that makes me laugh, sometimes while scratching my head.

For example, we have this little gem:


Looking for someone to form my message

I’m in the search for specfic education, skills etc…

However how I ask for it doesn’t come across in a competent, informed or understood paragraph or statements..

My weakness/missing message/request is holding my success toward furthering/bettering myself in this feild

Posting in hopes of meeting with an experienced person who has dealt with people who can offer the peices for the puzzle and takes them to cohesion.

Location: [redacted]
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 20.00


They’re asking a lot for 20 bucks.

Then, we have this one:


Writing Teacher

I’m a person who if he knows how to write would be a spectacular success. Unfortunately everyone I’ve spoken to has labeled writing as something you can learn without any instruction or specific. Ultimately I’m posting on here searching for someone experienced to sum up and point me in the right direction as to how one obtains the skill to write and how people have learned..
Because I’m posting and paying what I’m looking for is how close your answer comes to what I’m looking for
Thank You.

Location: [redacted]
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 30.00


I’m still working through that one. “If I could write, I’d be a spectacular success. Everybody tells me anybody can write, but I can’t.”

Norman: Coordinate.

But hey! 30 bucks. Moving up in the world.

And so it goes….

In the running for Best. Craigslist. Ad. Ever.

So, I’m checking the Kansas City Craigslist writing job ads before I head to bed. Why? Because it amuses me to do so. It’ll amuse you, too, because this night’s review yielded the following Gem of Awesome:


Erotic Writer Needed

Looking for someone to write an erotic short story including the following celebrities:
Hugh Jackman
Harry Potter
Matt Damon
Selena Gomez
Miley Cyrus’s Little Brother
Diego from Go, Diego, Go
Sandra Bollock
Molly Ringwald
Meredith Viera

Pick any three of these celebrities and two fictional characters of your own choosing.

This story will not be published.

•Location: [redacted]
•Compensation: I love you.
•Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
•Please, no phone calls about this job!
•Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.


W.
T.
F?

Aside from “Miley Cyrus’s Little Brother” and Diego (and any other underage participant, real or fictional), I swear I’m tempted to take up the challenge.

But…there’s just not enough vodka in my liquor cabinet.

More Craigslist amusement.


Another day, another gander at Craigslist, and the humor to be found in some of job listings.

I’m guessing this guy’s search engine expertise doesn’t extend to figuring out a respectable wage to offer to a writer he wants to provide a quality product (on which he’ll put his own name and claim he wrote)…

—–

Turn my bullet points into a book: ghostwriter wanted (Local only)

Hi, I’m an expert in the seo and search engine field and I am wanting to turn my knowledge into a downloadable ebook.

I prefer to organize my thoughts into chapters (which I’ve already done) but now need someone who can turn it into a book.

Please send me your resume and any work you have done along with your rate.

I would expect this book not to exceed 150 pages.

Can this be done for $300 or less?

Please let me know your thoughts. Will need to sit down in person and interview any potential candidates.

Students are welcome to apply as long as your feel confident in this project and have some degree of experience.

Thanks!

—–

$300?

The sad part is, someone will take this gig, and probably even end up getting less than the $300.

But, it won’t be me.

More craigslist follies.


Because such things never cease to amuse me.

I’m almost tempted to respond to this one, since it’s local, and even though I should know better….

—–

NEED SOMEONE TO REWRITE

Hi all here is what im looking for i have been writeing my life story and i need someone with the right writeing skills to make it look nices…we can talk about pay this a book of a man that has been around so much in his life that god is calling him to shea with others

Location: [Redacted]
Compensation: can talk about it later
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Phone calls about this job are ok.
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

—–

Um, yeah.

Craigslist makes me laugh. Again.

Found this one in the “Writing Gigs” section. I offer it here as I found it:

—–

Extensive help needed with creative writing class!

I need extensive help in my creative writing class. By extensive, you will need to drive to meet me somewhere to help with the papers. You need to be openminded, smart, and preferably a woman(as I am a women, and men make me uncomfortable as I am married).

The class starts around mid-November, and is only eight weeks. I will make this worth your time! 🙂

Location: [redacted]
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 20 dollars an hour, plus money for time you spend at home outside of our meetings.

—–

Yes, “as I am a women, and men make me uncomfortable as I am married” was my favorite part, and I don’t know about anyone else, but I wanna hear more about making this worth the candidate’s time.

More Craigslist weirdness.

I’ve read this one five or six times, and I still don’t understand it.

—–

I have my Masters in Physics and am looking for several writers on spec to publish novels, short stories. The content ranges vastly. Please email me with your sample work, interests in writing and expectations.

Thanks 🙂

•Location: Anywhere
•it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
•Compensation: To be negotiated between Writer and Author

—–

First, I don’t see what purpose bragging about your Masters has so far as looking for writers is concerned. Next, writers “on spec” don’t “publish novels, short stories.” They write novels and short stories, and somebody else publishes them.

Then, there’s this bit about compensation: “To be negotiated between Writer and Author.”

Um, what?

Maybe I just need to crack open that brand new bottle of Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka I found today, and all will become clear.

Craigslist amuses me. Again.

For reasons surpassing understanding, I occasionally prowl the “writing jobs” and “writing gigs” sections of Craigslist, in the off chance that a legit freelancing gig should present itself, and which I might pursue for a few extra bucks (and for kicks).

I really should just stop doing that, and instead whack myself in the sack with a 2×4. It’ll be less painful than sloshing through the pages of dumbassery I routinely encounter during these little excursions.

For example, the latest findings from my perusing of the “craigslist > gigs > writing gigs” section:

—-

Seeking Assistance For book [Location Redacted]

——————————————————————————–
Date: 2010-06-15, 10:33AM CDT
Reply to: [redacted]
——————————————————————————–

Seeking a teamate for a book I am writing Called Stories and Confessions of young playa. Needing Some Advice on which direction to go So if interested Feelk free to contact me and alo lookng to work on a book proposal the first 5 chapters are wrote so some of the work is done feel free to contact me [phone number redacted]

•Location: [redacted]
•it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
•Compensation: no pay

—–

Jesus Line-dancing Christ on a bamboo raft with no motor and a stripper pole where the bait well should be.

Even more Craigslist funnies.

I don’t know why I bother, but the jokes just write themselves.

While perusing the “Writing/Editing Jobs” section, which I used to do in the vain hope that someone, some day, would post a legit freelance job opportunity, but which I now do strictly for laughs, I found the following:

—–

future author
hello my name is [name redacted] i am wondering if there is any good editor’s out there i am working on a book called Blackberry juices the book is basically the respect for the black women sexually ,mentally and emotionally im lookinf for ideas feel free to hit me up this is a non paid gig but will be great to ad to your resume

Location: [redacted]
Compensation: none
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Phone calls about this job are ok.
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

—–

My first bit of free advice? Capitalization and punctuation are your friends. Master those, and then we’ll move on to the tougher stuff.

Then, there was this one:

—–

Marketing Ghost Writer 75 Pages: 200$ (WFH)
I have a 20 page outline for a marketing book that I am working on, and need someone to flesh out another 75 pages of relevant, intelligent, fitting filler. This filler can be patterned after other work, but must be changed to not be a copywright violation. I wish I had more to offer for this, but 200 is all I can spend on this, my apologies.

Strong writer with a business background will be perfect for this. Ideally I can get this within two weeks.

Location: WFH
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

—–

“This filler can be patterned after other work, but must be changed to not be a copywright violation” was my favorite part.

Fuck, but people are stupid.