From out of the darkness it comes.
Yep. Been a bit since we last did one of these things, hasn’t it? If I’m being honest, this should’ve happened a few weeks ago, as I’ve had the question for this latest installment for a while. Work and other stuff kept getting in the way, and I must also confess that I forgot about it at least once. But we’re here now, ain’t we?
And so it was that this week’s episode of the G and T Show, the Star Trek-themed podcast hosted by friends Terry Lynn Shull, Nick Minecci, and Mike Medeiros, was able to feature one of my rambling answers to the random, often off-kilter queries which come their way.
Hey, they started this.
Given how jam-packed their shows can be depending on the topic du jour, it’s nice when they can find time to fit me in. What was in the hopper this time around?
I am a Klingon warrior stuck on this miserable rock you call Earth.
Well, I will be going to a place called Disney World this coming Halloween for something called…the Food and Wine Festival…where I’m hoping to find a decent mug of bloodwine and plate of gagh.
I’m also hoping to get in some epic hunting as my daughter tells me the location should be ripe for spearing some legendary creatures called PoQemon (or something like that).
As an author of travel guides, my family is hoping that you can give us some advice on what glories we should expect on this trip as well as the must do’s and do not’s plus foods and spirits that should be on every Klingon’s list.
What would you do on such an expedition? What glories do you recommend?
— Mayq, House of Leng
P.S. We tried visiting Vulcan with your travel guide on the dashboard of the bird-of-prey, but found nothing more than a black hole in space. WTF?
I wonder if this is how Samantha Brown got her start.
Anyway, Mayq, welcome to Earth. Here’s hoping you find it every bit as fun and exciting as the brochure made it sound when you got suckered by your Ferengi travel agents. You may find many things to love about our little planet, but I’m not sure Florida is one of them.
I can’t speak to the prospects of hunting “PoQemon,” but I can tell you to be on the lookout for a mysterious creature that is a favored quarry of local cultural historians and wilderness buffs: Hominis soles statum, or as it’s called by the indigenous people: “Florida Man.” This storied beast is often found at the heart of countless tales of unlikely occurrence that always seem to take place in this region. They’re alleged to have perpetrated numerous crimes that defy explanation as well as being involved with incidents that most rational people might describe as, “What the holy fuck, Florida?” Shaggy and unkempt, they’re often found in the wild dressed in stained, torn white tank-top undershirts if they’re bothering to cover their prodigious midsections at all. It’s a safe bet you’ll see them carrying cans of Pabst or Hamm’s beer while mumbling something about lottery tickets, cigarettes, or whether it might be time to feed the gators.
Oh, hey! Speaking of alligators: Watch out for those things. They’re everywhere.
It’s a rule of life in Florida that any body of water where you can’t see the bottom and/or sides just might have a gator living in it. Actually, some of those others might have gators, too. In fact, look twice before you hit the hotel Jacuzzi or your bathtub. I don’t know what sort of predator reptiles you have on the Klingon home world, but these fuckers are mean. On the other hand, you’re a Klingon so maybe you’ll want to take one home as a new pet, or something. I’m betting their hides make for awesome belts or boots or sheathes for those giant can opener knife things you all are always swinging around.
But, I digress….
So, Disney World, huh? You know that “Rite of Ascension” thing you Klingons like to put yourselves through to prove you’re a real warrior or whatever? Congratulations. Going to Disney World is like running that gauntlet seventy thousand times in a row, naked and barefoot and walking across a path of hot Legos while people shoot at your junk with BB guns.
I honestly didn’t know about this “Food and Wine Festival” until your note. I had to research it as part of my preparation for answering this question. I mean, I’m from Florida, dude, and I was convinced there were three kinds of chow to be had at the House of the Mouse: typical theme park slop, higher-end eats you might find at the various pseudo-swank restaurants located at Disney Springs (the retail area outside the parks), and—of course—the World Showcase at Epcot.
(Nerd trivia: How many people remember that “Epcot” used to be an acronym? Back in the old days, “EPCOT” stood for “Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow.” Hey, I’m all about providing a little service with the snark. You’re welcome.)
All right, I’ve done a recon of the World Showcase, and Qo’noS doesn’t seem to be occupying one of the eleven pavilions representing different nations and cultures. Don’t feel bad, though, as there aren’t any other non-human worlds on hand, either. Hey, wouldn’t something like that be pretty awesome, though? Maybe have an intergalactic food court or something—Klingon, Romulan, Ferengi, Andorian, Tellarite and maybe Bajoran and Cardassian cuisine, all under one roof and it’s all you can eat for one price. I hope somebody remembers the ice cream bar.
I’m off in the tall grass again, aren’t I?
So, while I can’t promise a good mug of bloodwine, you’ll likely find a decent Mojito or my personal favorite, the Rum Runner. As for eating? I did some checking, and here are a few highlights from this year’s festival: an “Islands of the Caribbean” fusion thing, a presentation devoted to craft beers, a “chocolate studio,” and a bunch of other shit. To be honest, once I found those three, I just didn’t give a fuck about the rest of it. I mean, it’s Florida, bro. Seafood’s where you want to be.
Or, you can just grab a churro the size of your leg.
If you want my advice, ditch the festival and go ride some roller coasters at Universal Studios. Better yet, grab some Red Bull and a couple of Cuban sandwiches from a local deli, jump in a rented Mustang or Batmobile and point it toward one of the coasts. Florida has beaches, you know. Go to Panama City, or something. While Florida Man may be a fugly looking shitgibbon, Florida Women in bikinis are not to be missed. Or, you can go check out Kennedy Space Center. Get a firsthand look at the history and present state of our space program, and ask yourself how the fuck we’re supposed to have a warp-powered ship in 47 years. I’m counting on time travel help from the future, but that’s just me.
Oh, and bring me back a Cuban sandwich, would ya? Damn, but I miss those.
PS: As for your attempt to visit Vulcan. Sorry, folks, but that planet got sucked into its own black hole. The moose out front should’ve told you.
This question and its answer was read during G&T Show Episode #255 on October 9th, 2016. You can hear Nick read the answers each week by listening live, or check out the replay/download options when the episode is loaded to their website: The G and T Show. Listeners are also encouraged to send in their own questions, one of which will be sent to me each week for a future episode.
As always, thanks to Nick, Terry and Mike for continuing to make me a part of their show.