That’s right, patriots! After a long, arduous campaign, the forces of tyranny are in retreat. We have successfully defended our homeland from those who would seek to oppress us. Outstanding job, warriors. This will be a day long remembered. Official reports are beginning to filter in from the front lines. For example, we have The Washington Post:
Though the war may be over, the rebuilding is just beginning. We have much work to do in order to restore our pristine lands to their former glory, erasing the scars and pain of the battles fought here. At last report, requests for federal aid were still being considered.
Meanwhile, savor your victory, and hey! Check it out: Overstock sales on ammo and beef jerky. Everybody wins!