Ask Dayton #96 on the G and T Show: “Where the Hell Have You Been?”

Wait, what? Is that headline right?

Yep, after a hiatus due to a number of factors, the G and T Show brought me back into the fold for yet another in the ongoing “Ask Dayton” series of queries. Though Nick Minecci was off doing soldierly things this weekend, Terry Lynn Shull and Mike Medeiros were there to keep things moving, and Mike undertook the truly thankless task of having to read the crap I send back to the show in response to the latest question.

What’d we have this time around? Well, here we go:

Dear Dayton,

Listening to the last live episode, I heard that there have been some communication screw ups (Nick fucked up. Again!), and that’s why the segment listed “Listener’s Choice Award Winner” three years running has not been on. So, what’s new for you to share with us?

Also, what do you think is the sexiest commercial on TV now, and don’t you think it’s time to euthanize Gary Busey?

I should’ve stayed on vacation.

And what the hell is this about awards? Nobody told me. No limo rides, no gift baskets, no booze or hookers waiting in my penthouse. What the fuck kind of show are you people running here?

I’m calling bullshit on that.

So how long’s it been since we did one of these, anyway? According to my records, it’s been well over a month since Ask Dayton #95. What have I been up to since then? To be honest, I’ve been enjoying the time off. You have to understand that answering each one of these things flushes just that much more of my soul down the shitter. I mean, how many different ways can we find to talk about bacon and porn? If I know this audience, at least one more time, right?

Yes, there have been questions about writing, as well as the occasional interrogatives seeking advice on everything from relationships to queries as to my favorite films or TV shows, including various questions relating to (surprise!) Star Trek. Then there’s the really crazy shit, like asking where I’d want to have sex on a starship.

Yeah. That happened.

So here I sit, every question I receive slowly—inexorably—chipping away at what laughingly passes for my perceived self-worth as a citizen of humanity. It’s entirely possible that by the time we actually reach the milestone of one hundred questions answered, nothing will remain of my mortal form save a desiccated husk ready to collapse in on itself and be cast upon the winds.

But hey, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

What’s new with me? Well, my liver has sufficiently recuperated from my previous novel and is now standing by as I prepare to write my next novel. It was rough going there for a while, as the contract negotiations were pretty tense, but we finally reached an agreement whereby I promise not to drown it in cheap booze as I wrestle with the words, and it pledges not to explode through my fucking asshole without giving me proper prior notice.

I guess we’ll see how that goes. Stay tuned, boys and girls.

As for “sexiest commercials,” I’m just gonna cast a wide net and say, “Anything with Sofia Vergara,” because HOLY. SHIT. Forget all these rail thin models and wannabe super models who are young enough to be my daughter. Yes, there are a number of them who are incredibly attractive, but when we get down to it? Sofia. Vergara. Enough. Fucking. Said.

And why the hatin’ on Gary Busey? We don’t need to be euthanizing Mr. Joshua, folks. That just ain’t right, especially since he’s still capable of providing much-needed service to our fair country. If I were in charge? I’d send him to North Korea to be Kim Jong-un’s spiritual advisor.

I think we all can agree that Dennis Rodman, despite his colorful personality and apparently keen and vastly underrated diplomatic skills, is likely just not up to such a demanding task. So, send Rodman back to his mother ship and get Jong-un and Busey together, and start the clock on how long it takes Kimmie to feed his new BFF through a wood chipper.

For those wondering, Sofia Vergara gives the whole thing ten minutes.


This question and its answer was read during G&T Show Episode #141 on May 4th, 2014. You can hear Nick read the answers each week by listening live, or check out the replay/download options when the episode is loaded to their website: The G&T Show. Listeners are also encouraged to send in their own questions, one of which will be sent to me each week for a future episode.

Thanks again to Nick, Terry and Mike for including me in their fun.

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About Dayton Ward

Freelance word pusher. Husband. Dad. Trekkie. Rush fan (the band). Tampa Bay Bucs fan. Observer/derider of human behavior. I know where my towel is.
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