People have been after me to watch and comment on the various Star Trek fan film offerings available out here on the intrawebz. To this point, I’ve resisted the urge to say much about them for this or that reason. However, I decided that maybe–just this once–I’d cave to pressure and offer up a review of one of the higher-profile productions.
After taking in my first viewing of such a film, my first question to those of you who kept making these suggestions to me is, “What were you thinking?”
I tried to like it. I’d like to think it had a lot going for it, but at the end of it all, I’m not sure this is the sort of thing for me. But, because I’m a man of my word, I carried through with the experiment to the bitter end. Now that the alcohol’s worn off and I’ve recovered (somewhat) from the ordeal I endured FOR YOU, I now attempt to organize the jumbled thoughts tumbling within my damaged brain. Without further ado, here we go:
So, what’s the deal?
The starship Enterprise, flying around in space as it’s wont to do, stumbles across a derelict spacecraft and Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam over to see what’s the haps. There, they find four humans in bunk beds. Though one of the passengers is long dead, the others–two females and one male–are alive. McCoy notes that the male’s life signs are critical and he needs medical attention, so Kirk orders him transported back to the ship.
Once aboard the Enterprise, the mysterious human’s identity is revealed: Khan Noonien Singh, who immediately begins scheming to take over the ship with the help of Lieutenant Marla McGivers. At this point, it doesn’t really matter, because the whole story train’s already gone screaming off the tracks and over the cliff.
Let’s get one thing straight: So far as I’m concerned, the title is the only thing they got right with this thing, because whatever the fuck it is, This Ain’t Star Trek. Shit, y’all: If you’re going to pay tribute to one of the most successful film franchises in recent years, it behooves you to make your production at least resemble your source material in some fashion, right? So, if that’s the case, what’s up with this guy?
I mean, he doesn’t even remotely look like Chris Pine.
To be honest, all of the casting choices are off in one way or another, but the most egregious deviation from the original films has to be that of the guy selected to play the villain, Khan. It should seem pretty obvious to even the most casual Star Trek fan, but I guess it’s up to me to ask the pertinent questions: Since when is Khan not a white British dude?
Really? I keep hearing how these productions all respect and conform to the onscreen canon, but they must’ve been watching different movies than me.
Another thing I’ve been told is that some of these flicks boast optical effects which rival many of today’s big-budget Hollywood blockbusters. Here? Not a single shot of the Enterprise, not a one of the other ship, nothing. Am I missing something? And what about the sets? I’ve heard from uncounted people about how the Enterprise interiors are faithfully recreated in exacting detail. Is this what they were talking about?
Where the hell did all that red and powder blue come from? Where the fuck are all the lens flares?
Now, I’ve been holding off on this film’s most controversial point(s), because let’s face it: I think someone let their love of fanzine fiction and wishful thinking for hookups between the various crew members get the best of them. Sure, Captain Kirk is an intergalactic horn dog whose prowess with the ladies is legendary, but at least in the films some things are left to the imagination. Not so this time around. And if you ever wanted to know whether any other parts of Spock’s anatomy are pointed? The answers lie here. Consider yourselves duly warned.
(And as an aside? I’ll never be able to hear “Hailing frequencies open, Captain,” the same way ever again.)
So, that’s my first experience with a Star Trek fan film. Not willing to cast judgment on the entire medium after one example, I’m certainly open to suggestions for alternative viewing. Hit me.
(Of course this isn’t a real review. Silly goose.)