During the school year, my weekday morning routine usually consists of getting up and getting dressed, and working for an hour or so until it’s time to take the kids to school. During this time, the girls are going through their “morning routine,” which usually includes (in often random order) getting their “bathroom stuff” done, getting dressed, making their bed and putting away anything which might be cluttering the floor of their room. Once all that’s complete, Mom or I (usually Mom) gets them breakfast. After Mom leaves for work, I make sure any outstanding “tasks” are completed before it’s time to head off for school.
Normally, I don’t eat breakfast during any of this. If I do eat something in the morning, it’s after I’m back from delivering the kids to school. Some days, I run a quick errand or two before returning home, and such was the case today. I was picking up a couple of items, including some fresh fruit (pineapple FTW!) and my route through the store took me past the frozen foods section. I spied that refrigerator unit housing all the various breakfast options, and my eyes fell upon a box of breakfast sandwiches — turkey sausage, egg whites and cheese on an English muffin. For reasons I still don’t fully understand, my stomach communicated its desire that it be filled with such a sandwich.
Meanwhile, the pineapple in my basket was going, “WTF, bro?”
Anyway, I decided to grab a box of the sandwiches, and put aside my idea of eating a bowl of cereal with my fresh-cut pineapple.
“It was a bad call, Ripley. It was a bad call!”
For one thing, what the hell is with the directions for heating up one of these things? I’ve seen shorter lists of instructions to defuse explosives, for crying out loud.
- Remove from wrapper.
- Wrap in a paper towel.
- Defrost for ## seconds.
- Turn over.
- Heat for ## seconds, rotating once during heating.
- Add ## seconds if your microwave isn’t the precise model we describe in our instructions without actually naming the brand and model number.
- Make sure you’re properly inoculated against ptomaine poisoning.
- Make sure your will or living trust is up to date.
- Mutter a prayer to your deity of choice.
- Consume the sandwich-like product.
- Regret previous step.
- Verify steps 7 and 8.
So, while I tend to the ball of molten lava which is now my heart, I recommend the multi-grain Cheerios for those of you still searching for breakfast.
But keep your paws off my pineapple.