It’s the War on Christmas, Charlie Brown!

After a long cease-fire, hostilities once more are heating up, with reports coming in from checkout lanes and talking heads stationed all along the front lines. “Remember the 25th!” and all that jazz.

Yep, the “War on Christmas” is back. It never really went away. It was just in remission.


From my observation post here on the periphery of the conflict, I see the first battles of every new campaign unfold each year with clockwork precision on The Day After Thanksgiving. Code named “Black Friday,” it usually is the first wave of any renewed assault, though I’ve been receiving reports detailing the increasing numbers of early reconnaissance patrols and other probing actions. However, after initial contact with the enemy, legions of soldiers now are descending upon unsuspecting civilian marketplaces in order to seize territory and secure supply routes.

During more recent engagements, pre-emptive strikes have been launched in the hours before B-Day to devastating effect, simultaneously securing footholds on numerous mercantile beachheads. What do these brave souls face upon taking the fight to the enemy? The harshest invective ever to assail human ears, rivaling even the worst oratory ever offered by Tokyo Rose, Hanoi Hannah or Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, and embodied by such offending salutations as “Happy Holidays!” or even the dreaded “Seasons Greetings.”

This bit of rambling was brought about after reading an article a Facebook friend linked a few weeks ago. Would you like to know more? The Sarah Palin War On Christmas Soundboard

Yeah, that’s entertainment.

Don’t believe the lies posted by the godless heathens! The fight must continue, or all will be lost! See your local recruiter and find out how you, too, can serve the war effort.

Or, you know, not.


About Dayton Ward

New York Times bestselling word pusher. Husband. Dad. Trekkie. Rush fan (the band). Tampa Bay Bucs fan. Observer/derider of human behavior. Immortal for a limited time.
This entry was posted in jokes, news, politics, stupid shit. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to It’s the War on Christmas, Charlie Brown!

  1. G.B. Miller says:

    Governments are notorious for this kind of crap. Personally, I don’t do “Happy Holidays”, I do “Merry Christmas” and if someone gets offended, it isn’t like I haven’t gotten into trouble before for being non-P.C.


    • Dayton Ward says:

      The government(s) haven’t declared “war” on any holidays. The “War on Christmas” is a myth; a steaming pile of crap manufactured by people–usually some flavor of pasty white entitled corporate shill–looking for TV ratings, book sales, web page hits, and so on.

      If there actually were such a war being waged, we’d have to declare it an utter failure, as it’s gone on longer than the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. And if that’s the case, we can at least be thankful it’s done so without the casualties inflicted by those two conflicts.


Lay it on me.

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