Ask Dayton #80 on the G and T Show: “English, Mother F**ker! Do You Write It?”

Sunday!

That’s right, it’s Sunday all over again! We have football on the docket! Stuff to do around the house! But, before that? We have another episode of the Sunday G and T Show, with Nick Minecci, Terry Lynn Shull and Mike Medeiros, talkin’ about that Star Trek thang.

In the interests of full disclosure, I have no idea what they may have talked about this morning, as I allowed myself a rare morning to sleep in a bit before getting on with the day’s business. Still, I think we all know why you’re really here….

That’s right! There was yet another “Ask Dayton” question this week…number 80! We’re now just 20 questions away from the big 100! To be honest, that kinda sorta boggles my little lizard brain. I think we all can agree that we all have a bit too much free time, yes?

What was tossed my way this time around? Well, it goes a little something like this:

Dear Dayton:

So I hear that there’s a new series of books coming out soon (or have started to come out anyway) and you are one of those honoured writers that are to write about “The Fall”.

My question to you sir is. Will you ever right a book that utilises the proper spelling of words, that is British spelling, aka Commonwealth English.

India is the largest nation and it speaks British English. Not to forget us Aussies and Kiwis down under. It’s just a fact that more people speak the proper queen’s English than that awful deviant language that you Americans call English. So come on… British English yo!

Will I ever write a book that utilizes the “proper” British spelling of words? Sure, I’m going to get right on that…about a week after they cast a Tennessee hillbilly to replace Peter Capaldi as the next Doctor.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that it’s popular to bag on Americans, and I can even admit that there really are a fuck-ton of reasons to dislike us. We’re loud. We’re rude. We’re arrogant. We think we’re the best at everything, when in reality we suck at the things a civilized society would deem important. You know, like how we as a nation seem utterly disinterested in teaching our kids reading, writing, math and science, let alone respect for themselves and their fellow denizens of this rock, human and animal alike.

We’ve got entire generations of people so stupid they can’t wipe their own ass without a smartphone app to guide the way, and to add insult to injury we actually elect some of these morons to public office. Our government is a hopeless train wreck overseen by a cabal of whiny children, every single one of whom is long overdue for a sorely deserved spanking in the public square. And all of this would be fine if we at least had the decency to contain our burgeoning “idiocracy” within our own borders, but we’re hell-bent on exporting our ignorance and apathy to the rest of the world.

So, yeah, I definitely can see why non-Muricans might think we’re a bunch of assholes.

Still, railing against our apparent collective disdain for the letter “U” (except when it’s preceded by “Fuck”) and our fetish for the letter “Z” when “S” seems to do well enough, would appear to be a waste of time and energy better spent elsewhere. Why not take issue with the chilled monkey piss we have the nerve to call “beer,” or that we seem to love slathering everything we eat with ketchup or barbecue sauce as though operating under the misguided notion that if we use enough of that stuff, our arteries won’t harden to the point that our hearts detonate like a neutron bomb by the time we’re fifty?

Of all the things for which you’d be wholly justified in coming down on us, you’re going to get your panties bunched because we spell things differently than other folks? I guess it doesn’t matter that (according to a 2007 study) only about two percent of the people actually living in the UK use what is commonly referred to as “the Queen’s English,” but we Yanks all the way over here should just go along to get along, yadda yadda yadda?

Didn’t we fight a revolution to get away from shit like that?

Hang on, let me think…yeah. Back in the day, the colonies basically gave Great Britain the big old finger, provided GPS coordinates straight to Hell, and told the King to not let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. Let’s see, we wanted to be free from religious oppression, restraint of trade and aristocratic bullshit, we didn’t want to pay taxes without proper governmental representation, and…yep, here it is at the bottom of the list: We wanted the freedom to spell words without a bunch of unnecessary vowels if we damned well felt like it.

America: Fuck Yeah.

That said, and in the interests of fostering international goodwill, I’m not totally disagreeable to the notion of somehow learning to write my books in “another” language. I’m not saying it’ll be a cakewalk, particularly when you consider that I currently possess a fair to middling grasp of only two languages: English and Profane English. Taking on another linguistic challenge isn’t something I’m frothing at the mouth to do, but I figure I’ll get on with making the Queen happy just as soon as I finish my first-person narrative of Kahless the Unforgettable written in the original Klingonese, and my long-awaited sequel to that animated Star Trek episode with the Kzinti, presented all in the language of LOLcats.

LOLkzinti

No, no…don’t thank me. It’s all part of the service, yo.


This question and its answer was read during G&T Show Episode #111 on September 22nd, 2013. You can hear Nick read the answers each week by listening live, or check out the replay/download options when the episode is loaded to their website: The Sunday G&T Show. Listeners are also encouraged to send in their own questions, one of which will be sent to me each week for a future episode.

Thanks as always to Nick, Terry and Mike and the audience for including me in their weekly antics.

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About Dayton Ward

Freelance word pusher. Husband. Dad. Trekkie. Rush fan (the band). Tampa Bay Bucs fan. Observer/derider of human behavior. I know where my towel is.
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