Dear SEO spammers: Bite me.

So, every once in a while, I get a spam comment to one blog entry or another that features some variation of the following:

Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin at some bullshit website linked here

Holy. Shit.

SEO, for those of you who might be wondering and because the douche nozzles responsible for polluting the blogosphere with this crap always fail to define their acronym after its first use as is customary when introducing a lot of jargon, lingo or techie shorthand into any sort of correspondence meant to be read by anyone other than the dickbag writing it, stands for “Search Engine Optimization.”

Essentially, we’re talking about a collection of tips and tricks which, when employed on your site’s various pages, result in higher “page rankings” whenever various key bits and bytes of info are collected and organized by the Googles or your search engine du jour.

According to the boneheads pushing stuff like the infoblob above, your website, the internet, and indeed the entire space-time continuum will come to a screeching halt if you don’t sprinkle some of this virtual voodoo into your webbins and bloggins and whatnot. Now, we all hate when the entire space-time continuum comes to a screeching halt for any reason, so is it really all that far out of line to want to take steps to delay or even avert said catastrophe?

What. The Fuck. Ever.

Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t a varying number of common sense things any website can do to improve not only its appearance and navigation but also in how it’s found by those the person running the site would like to have come over for a visit. Some of these are holdovers from the “rules of thumb” established way back in the early days of webpages, when everybody had little more than a handful of markup tags and a dream. You know, stuff like limiting the number of clicks anyone should have to make to reach anything on your site (three’s the max, one instructor of mine used to say all the time).

Having relevant titles in blog postings is another easy one, as is making sure that your site is linked through the various arenas in which you maintain a social media presence. I keep all of that stuff very simple. My name/handle on Facebook and Twitter is “Dayton Ward,” and both profiles link back to “daytonward.com,” which in turn is a very simple navigation tool to bring you to my blog. Voila! We’re done.

Well, not really, according to the infodump gnarling up my spam filter. Let’s break this all down and see what it is my would-be savior wants me to do (aside from give him or her money, of course). By the way, I’ve left everything from the original comment as is–typos, repeated words, mashed together sentences, and all, because nothing makes me want to give money to somebody more than a professional-looking sales pitch like this one:

I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization.

Ah, yes, the all-too vital “H tags.” You know why I tend not to use those things all that often?

Because shit like this is really pretty annoying.

So’s this. Kind of.

To be honest, this one’s not so bad, but fuck that guy for whining about it.

Next? There’s not enough bold or italics. HOLY SHIT!!!! Now what am I supposed to do?

Probably less of that, I’d imagine.

On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO.

And here I was, grinding my teeth and pulling out my hair at the thought of substandard Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings. By the way…what the hell are those, anyway? I tried to read about PageRank here, but Holy Dogshit on a Triscuit. The only thing I could come up with was that it’s a way for that creepy guy from Person of Interest or those Balok-looking precogs from Minority Report to figure out if I’m about to convert my blog to a porn site or a place to download pirated e-Books or something.

As for Alexa Rankings, that seems aimed more toward commercial websites and such, so it really doesn’t apply to me. Indeed, most SEO “tips” are aimed at marketing and promotion in order to boost sales, which would be fine if I actually was selling something here on The Fog of Ward, or was running a website that was a portal for a brick & mortar location.

“But, Dayton!” I can hear someone calling out from the cheap seats. “Aren’t you a writer? Isn’t this blog really nothing more than you selling yourself to potential readers?”

Yes, that’s true to a certain extent, but let’s be fair: not everything I write in this space is aimed at selling you something. I like to have my bit of fun from time to time, too, as well as wax pseudo-philosophical every so often on this or that issue or topic of interest. Whoring myself with every blog post would get old after the first or second entry, right?

(Hey! Where are you going? Sit down!)

Also, let’s be honest: Not everyone who comes here is a customer, potential or otherwise. A lot of you are, of course, and I love you all, though I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that I don’t view you that way. You’re already doing me a great service by supporting me and my writing, so the least I could do is not shove my latest “Gotta buy this, too!” thing in your face every time you come here.

However, in addition to you faithful readers, we’re going to get the occasional visitor who’s found his or her way here because they were looking for something entirely unrelated to me or my writing, and a few minutes spent reading a rant about politics, stupid people, or TV isn’t going to convince them to run out and buy my new Star Trek novel.

(Unless it is, in which I case I’d like to direct you to my newest release, From History’s Shadow. Yeah, that was pretty shameless, wasn’t it? I even feel a little dirty for having just done that. Well, not really.)

Anyway, the simple fact is that, as a writer, my biggest asset when it comes to selling myself is my name, and guess what? Plug my name into the interwebz and BAM! There I am, right at the top of the page listings, without any special tricks or shenanigans, or money stuck into some “expert’s” pocket. There’s even a picture of my dumb ass staring back at you when you do the search thing. I win, internet!

Onward, we go:

So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing).

Keyword? BITE ME. You’ll note that “Bite Me” also appears in this post’s title and accompanying URL. As for “Latent Semantic Indexing,” I’m guessing that if I invite the authors of the spam comment to bite me, and also include “Bite Me” in the post’s title and accompanying URL, they’ll be arriving at Ward Manor in due course to…you know…bite me, because the search bots will have determined from the latent semantic indexing and casual use of the term “bite me” that I really want these boneheads to…you know…bite me.

(Hey. That bolding and italics thing works pretty neat.)

Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.

I think we’ve already established that I find

shit like this

to be

three or four kinds of irritating,

and I

tend to avoid using such obnoxious markup tags

whenever I can avoid it.

BECAUSE,

AGAIN,

THIS IS BIG

AND ANNOYING AS

FUCK.

Amirite?

Moving on.

Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page.

Whoops, I already blew the first part of that one. Don’t worry, though: I’ll hook you up before we’re done.

You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.

For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, get over it, already.

There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword…

What, you mean a link to a totally unrelated page elsewhere in the Fog, which just happens to incorporate my chosen keyword? You mean like this one? Wow. That’s certainly relevant, eh? No wonder the web’s infested with tangled knots of crap clogging up everything.

Of course, this leads me to one of the more annoying facets of reading just about anything on the web, anymore: The embedded link to something not at all related, stuffed right into…

Related: Spam doesn’t even try, anymore.

…the middle of the article you’re reading! Damn, but that sort of thing bugs me. I’m reading a story about nuclear missiles being misplaced at an Air Force base in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere, and suddenly there’s a link to a review for Independence Day, because they set off a nuke in that movie.

Hang on! I almost forgot! At least one image with an “alt” tag containing the keyword, right? Here we go:

Bite me.

Mark that one off the list.

wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin at some bullshit website linked here

Well, then. Why didn’t you just say so in the first place? It would’ve saved me typing out all this crap.

I guess the point is that for the people who might want to find me, the process for doing so is already about as easy as it’s ever going to get. As for keywords and other triggers making individual pages on my site more visible to search bots and other aggregators? If there’s value for me there, I’ve yet to figure out what that might be. Meanwhile, and for the real people looking to come to my little corner of the web, well…you found me. Welcome aboard.

Don’t drink my beer, screw with my TV or grab my wife’s butt, and we’ll get along just fine.

I think I’m done here. Oh, wait! I almost forgot.

Dear SEO spammers: Bite me.

Advertisements

About Dayton Ward

Freelance word pusher. Husband. Dad. Trekkie. Rush fan (the band). Tampa Bay Bucs fan. Observer/derider of human behavior. I know where my towel is.
This entry was posted in rants, spam, stupid shit. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Dear SEO spammers: Bite me.

  1. David Mack says:

    The real irony will be if this post turns out to be the most-trafficked entry on your blog and the most common entry page for new visitors. In which case, you still win — but at what cost?

    Like

  2. G. B. Miller says:

    This. Is. Brilliant.

    Only from a truly warped mind does inspiration flow.

    Like

  3. Pingback: Let’s be Spam Buddies! | The Fog of Ward

Lay it on me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s