Another Sunday, another episode of the Sunday G&T Show hosted by friends Nick Minecci and Terry Lynn Shull, with the brave warrior Mike Medeiros once again keeping the train on the tracks despite the best efforts of the host (and those of us in the peanut gallery) to drive the whole thing off the rails and over any willing cliff.
As usual, the topics ran the gamut, from talking about the latest trailer for the new movie and clues it might possess, along with the upcoming expansions for Star Trek Online, Terry’s ongoing Voyager watch, the big Vegas Trek con coming in August, and a whole bunch of non-Star Trek stuff. I think they talked about Trek books for a few minutes here or there, but that may have happened before I got there.
And what of this week’s “Ask Dayton,” you ask? Well, it was a bit of a departure from the usual queries which feed this segment:
What would be your thoughts if the five captains of Star Trek came from Australia?
Well, I have to admit, I was more than a tad gobsmacked when I read this one. I mean, what am I supposed to do here? Employ negative stereotypes in order to snatch cheap laughs?
Okay. I guess I can do that.
But before we get started, and lest anyone get the idea that this question and its answer have now opened a floodgate of “What if Character X were from Location Y” queries, let’s put that to rest now: No. The next time, I’m just going to make up my own question and answer it. Put your hands down and shut yer clackers. That’s the way it is, all right?
So, what would the five Star Trek captains be like if they hailed from the land down under? First off, I don’t think Jonathan Archer would’ve played something like water polo. I’d see him as a rugby or Aussie rules football (aka “aerial ping pong”) player, and he’d still have the removable front teeth he’d wear as a badge of honor. Same with Ben Sisko. He wouldn’t be into baseball, and neither would he have a baseball on his desk. Instead, he’d have a cricket bat on the wall behind him, and he wouldn’t think twice about grabbing it and laying the smackdown to any Klingons or Cardassians or anybody else who beamed aboard his station trying to start some shit. You just know he would’ve popped Gul Dukat a corker of a shot across the noggin at least once. Maybe twice.
And what about Jim Kirk? Would he have been the same rebellious youth we now know he was, at least in one alternate reality? I figure he’d be lairing it up at the local boozer on weekends, wrestling crocodiles to cover his beer tab. Oh, he’d be all over the beer, too. None of that Saurian Brandy crap; not when there’s beer flowing freely, and not that Foster’s pond water, either. Don’t believe the hype; Foster’s isn’t Australian for beer; it’s Australian for watered down kangaroo piss.
As for Kathryn Janeway, I don’t know that she’d be that much different. She’s already smart, independent and self-confident, and doesn’t take shit from anybody, and she’d fight to the death to protect anybody close to her. That’s pretty much the definition of the classic “Aussie sheila,” but if you cross her, she’ll mount your donger to the wall of her ready room. Consider yourselves warned, mates.
Which brings us to the biggest challenge of the five captains, Jean-Luc Picard. The current version hails from France, was born and raised in a small French village, and his family has a long history of serving the French people either in the military or government or some other capacity. He’ll even drop a French cuss word once in a while, when he thinks the rest of us aren’t paying attention. Picard is immensely proud of his French heritage, so why the fuck does he speak with an English accent?
If he was from Australia, he’d likely have been born in some Woop Woop town, or a city like Bendigo. I could see him as a sailing enthusiast, and maybe diving, with the occasional tennis match thrown in for flavor. He’d still drink his tea, only now he’d have it with small vegemite sandwiches cut into those little triangles like you see at cocktail parties where the hosts are too fucking cheap to spring for caviar or some decent shrimp. He’d stand tall as a proud citizen of Australia, even going so far as to brawl with anyone who spoke ill of his homeland. And after all of that, whenever he talked he’d sound like he was from Brooklyn, because casting agents in Hollywood figure nobody would ever know the difference.
That’s fair dinkum, you cobbers.
This question and its answer was read during G&T Show Episode #89 on April 14th, 2013. You can hear Nick read the answers each week by listening live, or check out the replay/download options when the episode is loaded to their website: The Sunday G&T Show. Listeners are also encouraged to send in their own questions, one of which will be sent to me each week for a future episode.
Thanks as always to Nick, Terry and Mike for continuing to include me in the fun.