Ask Dayton #56 on the G&T Show: “Rule 34. It’s so totally real, yo.”

Another Sunday, another episode of Sunday G&T Show. Terry’s still on vacation, but Nick and Mike–with the able assistance of a cadre of guest hosts–have kept the show firing on all cylinders. Star Trek teaser! New books! Favorite geek passions!

Friend and fellow Scott Pearson and his lovely daughter were on hand for guest host duties, and it’s because of this and out of consideration for her young, impressionable ears that I elected to exercise restraint for this week’s “Ask Dayton” query, despite it’s rather dicey topic. What are we talking about? Behold, yo:

Dear Dayton,

I was recently making a series of Google image searches for images of Orion slave girls for a project I have been doing for Gates of Sto-vo-kor. Naturally I was presented with a great deal of porn. I was intrigued at first but had to stop when confronted with full frontal nude Klingon male pinups. In mentioning this to the guys in the ‘Gates’ Skype chat Soriedem expressed surprise that there is such a thing as Orion porn. On hearing this I attempted to explain the concept of Rule 34, however I am not certain if he understood entirely and it occurred to me that I needed to defer to one whose skill with words is greater than mine. And so, great wordsmith, I ask you to please elaborate on the concept of Rule 34 for the benefit of Soriedem and any blissfully ignorant listeners? In addition, I am curious to hear your favorite application of Rule 34.

Signed,

Ball Gags and Bacon

Really? Won’t someone please think of the children?

(And as an aside…do I have enough of these yet to make a book?)

Anyway….

The Web: a digital frontier. In the beginning, I tried to picture clusters of information as they moved through the computer. What did they look like? Ships? Motorcycles? Were the circuits like freeways? I kept dreaming of a world I thought I’d never see. And then, one day…I found that first picture which told me I never would need to buy another girlie mag or skin flick ever again.

Welcome to the Internet, Soriedem. There are many tenets and guidelines for navigating your way through this vast electronic realm, and you must learn and respect them all if you are to make the most of your browsing experience. Among the more immutable doctrines of the virtual world is Kiri-kin-tha’s 34th Law of Metaphysics, known perhaps by its more common moniker, Rule 34 of the Internet: If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.

How best to explain this phenomenon? For this, I turn to the wit and wisdom of the late, great comedian Richard Jeni, who describes it thusly:

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, “Specify type of goat.”

For the purposes of Rule 34, “porn” is a broad descriptor which includes photographs, videos, drawings, and the written word. What, you say you can’t find something for which porn does not exist on the Internet? Kindly let me refer you to Rule 35: If there is no porn of it, porn will be made, which basically means that if your buddy can’t help you find what you’re looking for, then he’ll just draw up some stick figures in MS Paint and fire off the resulting pic to Facebook.

How did this happen? Well, the most likely explanation for that can be summed up by citing Rule 36: If you’ve thought of it, then somebody out there has a fetish for it. How do we prove that? Oh, there are any number of ways to accomplish this, starting with the examples offered right here in this week’s question: He went looking for Orion slave girls (and, really…at some point, we definitely need to have a heartfelt discussion about that), and found somebody’s stash. Granted, as fetishes go, Orion slave girls sounds pretty tame. Orion slave girls having sex with goats that are on fire? Now we’re looking to break into some new territory. What’s that? Can’t find any examples? Here, let me get my pencil.

Now, I’m sure you’re sitting here by this point, dreaming up search terms in the hopes of disproving Rule 34. I caution you before setting out on this mission: Once seen, things cannot be unseen. Trust me on this…I know.

As for my own personal favorite application of Rule 34? Wow. It’s hard to restrict such a complicated question to a single answer, but I’ll try to play along for the purposes of this exercise. One favorite is Naked Came the Betazoid, a story I once pitched as an April Fool’s Day joke to my editor at Pocket Books, about an assassination attempt against Captain Picard during Riker and Troi’s wedding on Betazed. As you may have noticed, that one didn’t go over so well, but that didn’t stop me from conjuring all manner of disturbing imagery. For example: What are the Holy Rings of Betazed really for? And not for nothing, but Betazoid Wedding Crashers could be a fun flick. I mean, those guys have to have it going ON, right?

But if I have to pick just one, I’m forced to go with The Erotic Adventures of Commander Shull, Sultry First Officer of the Starship Defiant, which at present exists only in my twisted little pervy imagination…that is, unless somebody can point me to a juicy link.

[GeorgeTakei]

“Oh, myyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

[/GeorgeTakei]


This question and its answer was read during G&T Show Episode #73 on December 16th, 2012. You can hear Nick read the answers each week by listening live, or check out the replay/download options when the episode is loaded to their website: The Sunday G&T Show. Listeners to the show are also encouraged to send in their own questions, one of which will be sent to me each week for a future episode.

As always, thanks to Nick, Terry, and Mike for letting me join in the fun.

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About Dayton Ward

Freelance word pusher. Husband. Dad. Trekkie. Rush fan (the band). Tampa Bay Bucs fan. Observer/derider of human behavior. I know where my towel is.
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3 Responses to Ask Dayton #56 on the G&T Show: “Rule 34. It’s so totally real, yo.”

  1. Tom Elias says:

    Isn’t there another Rule that says if something exists, some Japanese guy’s done a manga of it?

    Like

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