From the Archives: “Naked Came the Betazoid.”

The things you find when you go digging.

I was poking through the various folders in the “Writing” directory on my laptop’s hard drive today, looking for something entirely unrelated, when I came across this little blast from the past. As you’ll see when you read further, it was my contribution to an April Fool’s Day prank perpetrated by a bunch of us boneheads working as part of Pocket Books’ Star Trek and other tie-ins writing stable. Our victim? Why, one of our editors, of course, for April Fool’s Day, 2005.

The premise was simple: several of us drafted proposals for what under normal circumstances might ultimately evolve into Star Trek novels, which we then would simultaneously submit to our editor (who I shall leave nameless for the time being) on April 1st. The big difference for this set of pitches was that each of them described scenarios for pornographic Star Trek adventures. Featuring such titles as “Jake Sisko and His Self-Sealing Stem Bolt,” “Temporgasm,” or “It’s My Party and I’ll F*** If I Want To,” these were sure things, right?

So, April 1st arrived and we all clicked on “SEND,” inundating our poor, overworked editor with something like a dozen or more such proposals. As described to us by our victim, he did not, in fact, immediately surmise that he was being screwed with. Instead, his first reaction was to wonder what the hell we all must be thinking, piling more work for him to review onto an already sizable pile of shit to do.

Then, realization dawned, and our victory was complete. We were properly thanked and acknowledged for our efforts and prowess before being warned never to even think about doing anything like it again, under penalty of chemical castration and assignment to the dungeons, cursed to write novelizations of Supernanny episodes for all eternity.

As I said back then, my contribution to the madness, when compared to entries submitted by some of my colleagues, comes across as pretty tame. I guess part of that is because I actually tried to write it like a legitimate proposal, even making sure to not start with anything weirdness until the second page in the hopes of really sucking in our editor. Here, with only a tweak or two based on a reread earlier this evening (No, I didn’t “amp up” anything.), is my submission. For those wondering, the title is a play on the fact that participants in Betazoid weddings do so nude.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow, etc.


NAKED CAME THE BETAZOID

After the tragic and life-altering events of Star Trek: Nemesis and before William Riker formally takes his leave of Captain Jean-Luc Picard to assume command of the U.S.S. Titan, the command crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise-E takes advantage of the ship’s downtime to travel to the planet Betazed for Riker and Deanna Troi’s wedding. It is of course a bittersweet occasion, given the loss of their friend and shipmate, Data.

During the wedding ceremony, which is being carried out in the traditional Betazoid manner and with guests “dressed” accordingly, the joyous festivities are interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Sabin, the one-time assistant and counsel to Admiral Nora Satie. The Betazoid is posing as one of the wedding guests, but the union of Riker and Troi could not be further from his mind.

Sabin, whose career fell into ruin following Admiral Satie’s disastrous witch hunt for spies aboard the Enterprise-D (as depicted in “The Drumhead”) has never forgiven Picard for aiding in his downfall. Following a prison sentence at the Auckland Penal Colony in New Zealand and even prolonged psychological evaluation on Elba II, Sabin still wants vengeance on Picard.

Arriving at the ceremony, he unleashes a biological weapon he’s acquired; a
genetically-engineered, weaponized strain of the Psi 2000 virus (TOS: “The Naked Time,” TNG: “The Naked Now”). The agent takes effect almost immediately, releasing the inhibitions of everyone in the room and leading to a bizarre array of encounters as victims express their pent-up desire for others — and the resulting chaos in some cases as jealousy sets in.

Picard and Beverly Crusher finally confess their love for one another, invoking the ire of Lwaxanna Troi. A passionate compromise is forged and a three-way ensues, during which Picard learns one of the true uses of the Holy Rings of Betazed.

Deanna Troi and Worf realize that they always were meant to be together, with the result being a stunned Riker standing alone at the altar. A grudging compromise is forged and a three-way ensues. Riker’s the bitch.

And after years of being the nice guy who always finishes last, Geordi La Forge finds himself in the company of several women who have dismissed his advances over the years. Commander Sonya Gomez, Dr. Leah Brahms, the list goes on, and La Forge quickly finds himself in the position of “too many women, too little time.” Thankfully for the beleaguered engineer, the would-be seductresses quickly turn to one another to quench their unleashed passions.

Throughout all of this, as love and passion consume the entire wedding party along with all of the guests, Sabin moves through the debauched crowd with a single goal: killing Jean-Luc Picard.


See, editors? This is the kind of shit you can expect when you don’t make with the contracts for real books. Consider yourselves warned….

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