Mommy, make it stop.

Will someone, anyone, please put a stop to the soap operatic trainwreck that is the entire stupid situation with Paris Hilton?

I’m simply astounded at the sheer volume of media resources that have been allocated to covering this event. It’s the Big Story on CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and E! Hell, given that she doesn’t even look human, I’m surprised that the Sci Fi Channel hasn’t broken into their reruns of Doctor Who to keep viewers up to date. Only the Food Network seems to be swearing off of the whole thing — likely owing to the fact that Paris looks like she hasn’t eaten a decent meal since sucking Similac from a Tiffany sippee cup.

Lock her up, send her home, deport her, make her the California governor, do something, but for the love of GOD can we just please move past the idiocy that is the circus surrounding the current goings-on?

We thank you, Los Angeles, for once again demonstrating to the entire world that we as Americans have our heads so far up our own asses that we can give hickeys to our own uvulas. That so much attention can be lavished on someone who hasn’t done a fucking thing in life except be born white, rich, and attractive — if you’re into flesh-colored Twizzlers that possess comparable levels of common sense and conversational skills — is so offensive that it makes scat porn seem like a Baby Einstein video.

As for the media, who apparently have precious little else on which to report on this seemingly slow news day, why not put the investigative skills of the paparazzi and the so-called journalists to good use? Send them all to Afghanistan. I bet they’d turn up Osama bin Laden in a couple of days, and maybe even provide us with sweet pictures of him sunbathing topless, or climbing out of a limo and showing us he’s not wearing any underwear.

You know…something newsworthy.

Lay it on me.

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