New year, new calendar, new attitude!
I like to change up my daily desk calendars from year to year, so I don’t get into a rut. After a year of Texts From Last Night, I decided I wanted something with more meat to it, and so I opted for a set of collected musings from one of my very favorite humor writers, the one and only Dave Barry. He has a gift for finding a joke just about anywhere, about anything, and makes it look so easy.
Given how long some of the daily entries can be, what I’ll likely do this year is just pick my favorite from a week’s worth of entries, and post it as a “Best of…” for that week. For this first go, though? Why not splurge a bit.
So, with that in mind:
Buy Dave Barry’s Stuff!
Visit Dave on the Web!
One day we reporters came to work and discovered that our old, slow, horse-drawn typewriters had been replaced by sleek, efficient computers with keys that said mysterious things like “BREAK” and “NUM LOCK.” Fortunately, we were trained by highly skilled professional computer personnel who spoke no English. “Before you macro your ASCII, you have to format your RAM,” they would advice us, in a tone of voice clearly suggesting that any member of the vegetable family should know this instinctively.
You can now buy groceries via the Internet, where you live: Go on the Internet and select the groceries you want, and they are delivered to your house. If you have a chair with wheels, you can just roll from your computer to your front door, let the delivery people in, then roll back to your computer, without ever standing up. We live in wonderful times.
Parents need practical advice on how to handle real-life parenting scenarios: Say you are driving. Your toddler is riding in back, strapped into her car seat, which you have probably installed incorrectly. Suddenly, your child receives one of those transgalactic radio signals that children get from the Planet of Random Thoughts, and declares, “Birds don’t have eyebrows.” You agree with this statement. Your child then says, “But I have eyebrows.” Again, you agree. The back seat is silent for a moment. Then there is a loud wail of anguish. “What’s wrong?” you ask. “I CAN’T FIND MY EYEBROWS!” the child wails. “It’s OK!” you say. “You have eyebrows! On your head! In the front!” “BUT I DON’T FEEL THEM!” your child wails. You can’t pull off the road. Your child is getting hysterical. You are starting to wonder if your child did, somehow, lose her eyebrows while in your care, in which case you will be in serious trouble when you get home.
Many guys have trouble with laundry because of the technical complexity involved. Even a very “high-tech” guy, a guy who can build a working nuclear submarine using only staples, is reluctant to attempt to do laundry, because there are so many variables. You have your lights and your darks, of course, but you also have your stripes, some of which could be delicates, or even hand-washables, not to mention your bleach and your fabric softener, and of course all your washer/dryer options: Do you want warm wash and cold rinse? Hot wash and warm rinse? Wet rinse and dry wash? And what about “static cling?”