The following may contain offensive language. Proceed at your own peril.
(847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
(561): You drink too much.
(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount – too often.
(270): Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend’s twin last night… and he didn’t stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that’s not the point.
(315): My dad just showed me the squirrel he regularly lets into the house and feeds cashews to. He recognized it from across the yard. It came right to him.
(586): just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall.
(512): you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
(706): Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday’s clothes and reeking of booze.