The following may contain offensive language. Proceed at your own peril.
(503): PS, you’re not being slutty, you’re “making dreams come true.”
(513): I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
(978): I wonder if they have a “21st birthday” section at the hospital.
(805): I have to tell you about the bridge I just had at work: penciled on eyebrows, bright blue eyeshadow, tight jeans and a low cut top. Her fiancee had just gotten out of jail and just proposed to her at red lobster an hour before she came in. They have 5 kids together and he has 1 from another girl. They wanted cowboys colors for their wedding. I don’t know how I kept a straight face.
(313): I can’t tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitrary assimilation of edges.
(1-313): Christ, I swear you are the high man’s Dr. Seuss.
(724): heres the deal: if you can make a shot that tastes exactly like lasagna, i will marry you on the spot.
(914): Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes ‘I don’t know how I could love her any more, but tomorrow I will.’ Yeah that guy should kill himself