The following may contain offensive language. Proceed at your own peril.
(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to piss…it was my left nut. im soaked.
(816): I just organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I’m going places in life.
(Dayton’s Note: This isn’t me.)
(530): before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake.
(281): I had to remind him that there is no “age exchange rate” between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16.
(704): Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn’t make it. I’ll be back to the apartment in ten.
(541): at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
(405): why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?